Ain't Nobody Got Time For That

Have you ever seen the Instant Breakfast Drink commercial where Holly Robinson Peete is all like, “With so much going on it's essential I give my kids a nutritional breakfast”?

Bitch Please. Now I don’t have children and I didn’t even grow up eating the type of full breakfasts that you see in tv commercials, but giving your kids a chocolate milkshake that has 7 teaspoons of sugar in it can’t be all that good for them

Who is eating all this food when they wake up? I would definitely have the itis*!

If you're going to feed your kids pure sugar in the form of morning milkshakes then teachers should be able to carry tranquilizer darts with them. That way when the sugar takes over the childrens' bodies and things get out of control the teachers can shoot a quick dart to the neck of the offending child and resume the lesson plan.

A lot of people think they are being healthy by choosing items that are lite and low fat or because Holly Robinson Peete said to drink it. They don’t really know what’s good for them. But who's fault is that?

One of my good friends from high school and I were talking about the obesity epidemic the other day and she believes it’s the government’s [FDA] duty to make sure companies aren’t taking advantage of consumers. Large companies shouldn’t be able to tell you that a chicken is organic, but secretly feed the chickens inorganic corn meal, old parts of birds that were in chicken fights and jelly beans. We should be able to go to the store and pick up a box or a bag of whatever our heart desires and know that what we are buying, is what we are really getting.

The Amount of sugar in one serving of Carnation's Breakfast Chocolate Shake

And while I agree that companies should disclose all the facts about their products, I just don’t think it’s realistic to believe that a multi-million dollar company would choose honesty and straightfowardness over their bottom line. Marketing phrases like "No added sugar" and "No Trans Fat" are supposed to make you think it’s okay to eat Fishy McBites

We live in a fast paced world where we want what we want, when we want it. I don’t want to wait until next week for GI Joe Redemption to come out in theaters. Ain’t nobody got time for that! I’ve got to download it from bit torrent and watch it NOW! People want the same thing with their food. They don't want to take the time to research what they should and shouldn't be eating. They just want to eat it.

I mean, would you enjoy getting dolled up, hanging out at a bar with friends and flirting with men to find a sugar daddy to pay off your college loans? YES! Who wouldn’t? But if you’re really serious about your health then you should reschedule that appointment to get your mustache waxed, hop on the computer and find how natural your Trader Joe’s peanut butter really is.

There is no reason why a middle/upper class person of generation X or generation YOLO should not take responsibility for what they put in their mouth.  You can only make the best choice based on the facts that you are given, but if you don’t even do the research to begin with that’s your mistake.

And you know what? I love those Ikea Swedish meatballs, but in Europe, trace amounts of horse meat has been found in them. Would I eat Ikea Swedish meatballs on a normal trip to Ikea in America? You better believe it. Would I eat them in Europe after I took the time to go online and see how much sodium is in a serving of those yummy meatballs and stumbled upon this horse meat nonsense? Possibly if they were all out of chicken strips. But at least I did the leg work and know what I'm biting into: More Protein. 

What I would like to eat for breakfast

What I grew up eating for breakfast

*The Itis is when you eat a (could be large) meal and your get extremely tired/lazy/lethargic afterwards.

Dates On A Plane

It’s always been a fantasy life goal of mine to meet a handsome stranger on a plane. Over the past year I’ve been flying more (for work mainly but a little for pleasure) and this weekend on work trip to Denver it finally happened.

By the way, there is free wifi at Denver International Airport! Usually airports try to charge you at least $7 to connect for an hour so. Money Grab! So I was taking this opportunity to check my emails and do some tweeting while waiting for the plane to board. Eventually someone sat down in the empty seat next to me. I didn’t really pay any attention until this sexy masculine scented cologne started wafting my way.

For any guys who may be reading this, just in case you didn’t know, a good smelling man will make a woman want to rub her boobies all over you. At least it makes me feel that way.

Axe body spray isn't the best scent for men out there, but it's better than nothing

And then, out the corner of my eye I see him. Sitting next to me is the man of my dreams. In awe of the amount of sexiness in my presence I immediately stop typing, grab my bottled water off the floor and accidentally spill it on myself. Smooth? Not at all. A great conversation starter? HELL yes.

As we board the plane we chat about my lifelong battle with clumsiness, which leads to the getting to know you question and answer session. This guy, (referred to as Mr. Smile from now on) has an amazing white toothy smile, like something out of a crest commercial. I struggle reminding myself not to stare intently at his mouth.

Southwest Airlines has a punch-someone-in-the-face-and-knock-over-a-baby-stroller-to-sit-anywhere-you-can policy so Mr. Smile and I sit down next to each other. He puts my bags in the overhead bins for me and asks if I would rather have the window or the aisle seat. What a gentleman.

After we reach 10,000 ft. I pull out my tablet (that I rooted myself) and we talk nerdy tech stuff for a bit. Sadly I discover that I’ve lost my headphones, but Mr. Smile offers to share the left side of his earphones with me under the condition that we watch a decent movie together.

When the flight attendant comes over to ask what we’d like to drink she says what a cute couple we make.

Mr. Smile shoots me a glance and replies, “You know we met for the first time on a Southwest flight. We’re on our honeymoon now. Headed to Chicago and then to Paris

Clutching her heart shaped Southwest pin she sighed. I’ll be right back.

She brings us complimentary chardonnay (guess it’s the closest thing they had to champagne). Over the intercom system the captain congratulates the newlyweds in seats 18A and 18B and the guests on the plane all start clapping.

I am happily mortified

Mr. Smile leans towards me, his sexy man scent filling my lungs and lightly kisses me on the lips. I try to catch my breath as I almost melt out of my seat. And then suddenly the plane gives a rough jolt that throws me forward sending my stomach into my throat and my heart into afib.  

I wake up.

There is nobody sitting next to me. The flight attendant is telling everyone to remain seated as we coast to a stop and that we may now use our cell phones. Thank you for flying Southwest and welcome to Chicago.

It was all dream 

OK Cupid

The other night, over fried chicken and watermelon (j/k we were totally eating fois gras) one of my close friends and I were discussing this guy Blake that she had went out with on a couple of dates. They had met on an online dating site. He was really cute and very nice, but he was dumb as rocks. She just could not continue to see him.

Honestly I don't really see much of a problem with dating a dumb dude as long as they are cute. For example take Derrick Rose. Have you ever heard him speak? In most of his commercials his lines are kept to a minimum and I'm sure that's for the viewers benefit. He sounds slow. Not mentally handicapped slow, but simple multiplication slow.

I'm not a dating elitist. I don't think you need a Masters Degree, Nobel peace prize and a Grammy award to be datable. Of course it doesn't hurt that D. Rose is worth millions. But if you can't hold an intellectually stimulating conversation just be handsome and mysterious. It's sexy.

Basically my friend told me that I don't know what it's like out there in the dating world. Apparently its really hard to find someone. Maybe she has a point. I did get rejected by that cashier at Marshalls.

I'm not lucky enough (or unlucky if you're one of those glass half empty people) to have fallen in love and married my high school sweetheart. I didn't even have a high school sweetheart. The guy I went to the prom with ended up being bisexual (aka homosexual). Plus, once you leave school it's really hard to meet someone.

After college I had a period of 'dating myself time'. Basically nobody at work was suitable to date (read: attractive, funny or single) and I started to panic. Where am I going to meet someone?

*UN-DATABLES
T-pain might have been in love with a stripper, but personally I don't date guys I meet at clubs or public service workers which include:

Police Officers - They all look the same and have that "po'po look". Plus I don't need anyone judging me for wearing a shirt once and then returning it back to the store. That is semi-legal.

Military - No offense but they seem a little brainwashed. You have to be conditioned to make it in the military and all that discipline would drive me nuts.

Fireman - They are nice to look at, but I don't touch. Basically I don't want my boyfriend's face to get burned off. Is that selfish? I don't think so.

And I would rather not date actors. You never really know what you are getting with them. Are they really into me or are they just doing research for a part where a ~fill in the blank~ Bank Robber/Ex Convict/White guy dates a black girl? Most of the guys I've met that are in the acting business are either self centered, fake or insecure, if not all 3. The combination of auditioning, rejection and sometimes unwarranted praise can F a person up. Of course my aversion to dating people in these professions can go out the window if you have a nice smile and even nicer biceps.

On the other hand I love creative types. If you can play a guitar (especially with your toes), build a PC from scratch or take amazing photos, I just might fall in love with you. Extra points if you're into video production and/or you smell good.

So after much deliberation my friend and I decided that I would conduct a little experiment. I would set up a profile online and see how easy (or hard) it is to find a normal, datable person.

My Goals
1. Set up an online dating profile Check!
2. Find a friend
3. Find a pen pal
4. Find a date

Please let me in on any advice, do's/don'ts, precautions to take etc. Do you have any interesting/funny/horrific/inspiring online dating stories? In the mean time, Wish me luck!

*And before anyone gets upset, I respect all of the aforementioned professions and know people/have friends who have made a career out of them.There is nothing wrong with their line of work and I'm not saying I wouldn't consider dating someone that pays their bills through those means. Through my own personal experiences I've found that people in those positions are not preferable to me. But to each their own.

Hide your kids, Hide your wife

What would you do if you woke up in the middle of the night and there were two robbers in your apartment?

1. Hide
2. Confront/Fight Robbers
3. Yell for Help

I think most women would hide, most men would also hide and some brave reckless douche-bags would confront the thieves. I really have no idea what I would do. Probably have a heart attack from the fear of being killed and then die in the bed. One less thing the robbers have to worry about.

My friend Mario told me that after coming home late at night and being held at gunpoint twice, he will never give up his wallet to muggers in the future.

I know what you’re saying, “Held up at gunpoint twice? Dang hommie!” But he lives in Englewood: home of Jennifer Hudson, Derrick Rose and the 47 shootings you saw reported on the evening news last night. It’s the most dangerous neighborhood in Chicago so going to the grocery store at 10 in the morning is the wrong place, wrong time. And not to question his manhood but he’s like 5’7, 140lbs. so there are probably more than a few thugs that think they can take him.

His argument was that most guys in the hood are not expert marksmen. If you zigzag, duck and roll you can dodge their bullets. 

Ummm, good luck with that. Afterwards maybe you can audition for the UniverSOUL circus too.

Then he said, “And don’t come at me with a knife.”

Well I would prefer to sit down and talk things out rationally too, but that’s not always an option. Unless you can go all Ryu on their ass and do some flying bicycle kicks, I say let them take what they want.

Ryu from Street Fighter

I started wondering if I should I take self-defense classes and would they really be useful in this situation? Maybe, but I think ninja stars would come in more handy or at the very least some pepper spray. This is why I can’t watch movies like Taken before I go to sleep at night.

It’s always good to be prepared but I probably don’t have to worry much about robberies. I’m basing this on two facts:

1. I don’t keep my blinds open at night, so people can’t see what I have and where it is. Why do people do that? You can literally drive by some people’s houses and make a diorama of their home.
2. I live on the third floor and the college girls that live on the basement level are probably going to get “got” before I do.

If you’re going to rob me you better be in pretty good shape because carrying a TV down 3 flights of stairs is no joke. And for your sake you’re going to want to be able to repel off a building or possibly have Spiderman web shooting powers. Next time I move, I’m going to hire movers with these capabilities for sure.

I did see an article from The University of Louisville’s Department of Safety (a highly respected source no doubt) on What NOT To Do During A Robbery that said:

Don’t chase or follow the robber. You could be mistaken for the robber in a pursuit by police.

And I agree, mainly because I’m black. Take from that what you will.

But God forbid I did get robbed. I would want the thieves to take whatever they wanted - just not my cell phone or my virginity. That 2008 edition MacBook? It doesn’t go into sleep mode when you close it but be my guest. The PS3? Sometimes the game freezes and you have to start the whole thing over again, but sure. My teapot collection? Not interested? Fair enough.

Obviously I have thought about keeping a butterfly knife handy in case I need to stab an intruder and then scream for help but I paid good money for this rug in Korea-town and I don’t want any bloodstains on it. And I don’t have a gun but in Illinois you can shoot an intruder and not get sued for it. That’s a step up from Florida where if you shoot and kill a crook they give you free coupons for pizza hut. Gross.

Hot dog stuffed crust Pizza Hut pizza. Only in America, home of the brave

I should probably be more worried about apartment fires since I have bad short-term memory and I like to light candles for ambiance. All viable reason's to get renter's insurance.

Birth Control and Viagra

My mom told me that my personality hasn’t really changed much since I was little. My brother wasn’t born until I was 9 and there weren’t many kids in my neighborhood so I had to keep myself entertained.

I would happily doodle in coloring books, religiously watch Ghostwriter and when I was an infant I would chew the nipples off all of my baby bottles. To this day, I still like to chew on things. Pen caps, straws, those little t-shaped plastic pieces that attach the price tag to your clothes. I’m basically the same person I was at 2 years old, except with boobies.

According to my mom I would always sit back and scope people out before I would decide if I wanted to be bothered with them or not. She didn’t have to worry about me talking to random people in the grocery store or taking candy from strangers. She probably worried more about baby bottle plastic poisoning since I clearly had an addiction.

Pumping gas on a family trip circa '89. Pretty sure this was illegal

Fast forward 20 years and I’m not as wary of strangers anymore. Mostly because I work in an industry where I talk to people I don’t know for a living. I occasionally emcee events, do live cooking shows with chefs and demonstrations for hundreds of people at state fairs. I once told a man at the airport that I hoped I wasn’t being inappropriate but he had some gorgeously muscular calves.

And while I still can’t bring myself to sing karaoke in front of a room full of strangers, I’m always the one nominated by friends to ask people for directions.

But alas the stranger danger I’m talking about in this post is state legislation. I like to keep my blog topics light but its pretty worrisome that a lot people have no idea what their state laws are and many can’t even name their own governor.

A woman I know regularly posts celebrity gossip and entertainment news on FaceBook. Based on one of her status updates I asked her about her feelings on religious propaganda in the media and she had no intelligent response. She actually told me that politics are boring and she just reads the comment sections of yahoo news sites and bases who she votes for on the responses. 

What the what?

Fair enough you may not be aware of every breaking news story. I’m no political scholar myself, but I do try to keep up with the laws of land. At the very least I like to watch CNN for Anderson Cooper’s silver fox good looks.

Maybe we only care about things that we think affect us?

Well just because it doesn't affect you, doesn't mean that it doesn't affect someone that you know. Did you know that in Illinois, based on their religious views, a pharmacist can deny Plan B (the morning after pill) to a patient? Or that doctors can make women look at an ultrasound of their womb before getting an abortion?

Would it be fair to make a guy that wanted a prescription for Viagra get a colonoscopy first? I should take a poll (no pun intended). And I would never want a friend (or an enemy) of mine to be unable to get birth control because someone who passively read a Yahoo forum voted against it.

Look, I totally understand. What Kimye is naming their baby is super important. But it's equally important that we educate ourselves and a bit selfish not to. Maybe you don't know anyone that needs viagra, but secretly, maybe your dad does. And do you really want the government controlling his erections?! 

Don't Call it V-Day

I really don't like the term "V-Day". It sounds like:

1. Everyone pretend to be a lesbian day!
2. Let's go to the gynecologist day!
3. Angry militant vaginas marching in solidarity to stage a hostile take over.

So for the one day of winter that I feel obligated to shave both my legs, (I'll shave 1 leg for a boyfriend and none for a husband...It's cold outside!) Happy Valentine's Day!

I hope you’re spending this day with the one you love and if you’re one of those people who detest February the 14^th, at least do something that you love. Try not to be disgusted with all the red and pink décor and heart shaped balloons you have to push through to find the register at CVS. Just buy your Redbull in peace, knowing that tomorrow everything will be a mix of glittery gold and shamrock green for St. Patrick’s day. Yep, I already coped my Shamrock shake™from McDonald's!

I definitely had a little trouble deciding on what to write about for this hallmark holiday. Through my blog I’m desperately trying to impress you with my witty anecdotes and my uncanny storytelling ability but as far as the holiday of love goes I’ve got no good stories to tell.

No one has ever taken me on a romantic hot air balloon ride, showered me with diamonds or a proposed to me via jumbo-tron at a basketball game. The best I’ve gotten gift wise were some homemade chocolate covered strawberries. 

Two years in a row. 

From the same guy. 

You may be thinking, “Aww how sweet, he cooked for you,” and at first I thought the same thing. But after giving me the same high calorie, semi healthy treat for a second time, he could have at least paired it with an Ikea flute of moscato (yeah, I’m classy) and used Godiva chocolate instead of the supermarket brand chocolate chips.

Honestly I haven’t had a Valentine’s day that has been memorable. Le sigh. But don’t cry for me. I haven't had any horrible ones either. This year I would like to dedicate Valentine's day 2013 to my faithful love: Chicago.

I moved to Chicago from Charlotte, NC 4 years ago after watching the movie What Women Want. You know the movie where Mel Gibson is a womanizer that has some freaky Friday shit happen and he can hear what women are thinking. The movie is based in Chicago and makes the city look really glamourous. I desperately wanted to move out of the south, the west coast was too far away and since I  was born in New York/have family there NYC was a no go. 

After saving up some cash, securing a freelance gig and finding an apartment online I made the move! More accurately after moving back home with my parents and wanting to poison them everyday, I became frugal and determined to live on my own again.

I heart Chicago even in the winter because of population control. Its so cold here that my family won't come visit me for 5 months out of the year. I can't say that I like when it's -356° outside and I fear my eyeballs freezing/falling out or encountering a cold blast of soul-reaping air on the way to the train. The good part about the cold however, is that I have time to stay inside and learn how to bake things. Additionally in the spring/fall when it rains nobody carries umbrellas because the wind turns them inside out so obviously I've saved tons on not having to buy umbrellas over the past 4 years. 

Chicago also has street festivals every day of the summer from the Armenian knife throwing competition to Polish Sausage fest. There's also a strong warm breeze in the summer that will either blow throw you into oncoming traffic or blow your skirt up. You live, you learn, you start wearing biker shorts under skirts. And during the summer everyone knows they have a limited amount of time to enjoy the weather so they all flock to Lake Michigan to hang out at "the beach" half naked.

My friend Tosh (Left) and I at a street festival this summer

I love Chicago because its the perfect blend of southern hospitality, big city charm and bad accents. It's amazing how every neighborhood has a different personality. Where I live in Rogers Park, you've got everything from college students, a large Jewish population, lots of Hispanics, middle class white families and fresh off the boat Indians. Plus Tina Fey used to live here and take the same train that I take! Thats how I know i'm going to be famous one day.

This cultural melting pot makes for some great restaurants which of course leads to weight gain. 

I also feel pressure to frequent all of these ethnic eateries because if I didn't someone might call me a racist. I've got a samosa spot, a matzoh ball soup shop and a enchilada stand that has the best horchata. I like the mixed ethnicity of the area, but truthfully there are some ugly people in Rogers Park. I'm probably one of the  prettiest  people in my neighborhood. 

If you want to find the cuties you gotta go to Lakeview, West town or Ravenswood and if you're a retired homosexual you'll want to put down roots in Andersonville. Generally speaking you have your rich hipsters in Wicker Park, true hipsters in Logan Square, buppies in Hyde Park and Blacks/Hispanics on the Southside and Westside. 

Even though I lived in a big city in the South, I never could have imagined how segregated Chicago would be. On the Northside (mostly in Lincoln Park) I often get looks like, Are you lost? Or if I'm eating at an open air pub with some friends, How nice, I'm glad someone is feeding that poor black girl. Of course when I work on the Westside or Southside everyone is so helpful and accepting of me. By accepting I mean I get hollered at by Mexicans. 

Despite this I still love Chi-Town. Sometimes I want to set it on fire when I get an unavoidable parking ticket. Oh today it's raining, you can't park here. Enjoy this $150 ticket. When I recently got a parking ticket for $10 in another city I was like, damn, give me two more. I can actually afford these! 

Anyway, I know I’m going to see tons of Valentine’s inspired twitter and instagram posts today and that’s okay because it’s only one day of saccharin social sharing. I don’t mind the occasional kissy face pictures and photos of fancy food from your date night. But I honestly want to gag every time I see a FaceBook couple make status updates to each other like,

Her: “My husband cleared the snow off the car this morning. Love you babe XOXOXOXOXO.”

Him: “I love you   T       H         I         S    much sugar foot.”

Can’t you send a text message? I mean I guess I would be impressed if SNOWmageddon had just dumped 15ft of snow on your Cavalier and your dude blow torched the snow off your whip and heated up the seats in the process. Otherwise your over share just makes me want to throw snowballs at you. Heart shaped ones of course.

  

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TMI

*Just a word of caution, this post is a little racy*
A couple of nights ago I was in Uptown, a Chicago neighborhood with reasonable rents, a few good restaurants and nice people if you stay away from the Lawrence red line stop. While there I met up with some friends at Bar on Buena. Actually “friends” is probably a strong word. I should say that that I met up with a group people that I occasionally work with and don’t hate enough to not go out with. After a few drinks the conversation turned to relationships.

There are certain topics of discussion that are either fair game or off limits depending on if it’s a gang of guys, a harem of girls or co-ed frat party. Honestly I don’t know what guys talk about when they get together. Perhaps it's Beyonce, interior decorating and 401K's or if it's a group of straight guys I would assume it's a combination of sports, SNL and T and A? I'm pretty sure both gay and straight guys talk about Men's Health magazine.

Usually when I’m hanging out with my girl friends we talk about guys (who we’re doing, who we want to be doing, who we did) or bitches we hate. Most often though we talk about random everyday stuff, like recipes, skin care and in my case how long it took me to conquer the last level of Super Mario Galaxy 2. Let me tell you, that shit is hard. Those Japanese game developers deserve a Nobel Peace prize for their imagination and engineering. Who else could have thought up two mushroom eating Italian brothers with connections to royalty (Princess Peach) whose best friend is a dinosaur? Unless I had some mushrooms too, not this girl. 

Anyway, I know some ladies like to be the center of attention and I get it, I want to be noticed too. But there is a line that you’re not supposed to cross if both ladies and gents are present. I’m not even talking about openly discussing cramping, breast tenderness and discharge. That’s common sense.  But I cannot stand when I’m in a mixed group of men and woman and a chick just has to mention how much she loves to give blow jobs. What kind of childhood did you have?

Really, I think I've heard it all. From statements like “I always swallow because semen tastes so good” Was your mom a bad cook? 

To “It’s cold in here and my nipples are so hard right now, does anybody have any lotion?” Did your parents only let you watch TV shows on Cinemax? 

The women will sit there looking disgusted while the guys are like, “Is that so?”

What I want to know is, "Who are you trying to impress?" Skank.

Obviously not the women at the table because we are all horrified that you would say something like that. Maybe you’re trying to entice a guy or flirt with someone’s boyfriend? I’m not sure how guys feel when girls say things like, “I never need lube because I’m always so moist and ready to go,” but I am really hoping some guy will read this and give me some insight. In my mind:

A decent guy would respond like this

A not so decent guy might respond like this 

Maybe I'm an old fashioned prude. If guys do dig us talking about our lady parts, the next time we go out I’ll mention that my pores are sooooo small whenever I get out of the shower. Not enough?

But you should know, the girls in the group will all hate you forever, probably talk about you behind your back and make sure not to invite you out to things if their boyfriends are going to be around. You will probably marry some guy that fell in love with you when you told him the color of your areolas on the first date and you’re going to end up with no bridesmaids and you deserve it. 

I’m not trying to tell people how to live, I’m just saying don’t be that girl. 

Super Bowl House of Horror

For those of you who don’t care about football or the Super Bowl go to number 1. For those of you who are preparing to watch the Baltimore Ravens take on the San Francisco 49er’s in Super Bowl XLVII this upcoming Sunday night, go to number 2.

       1.     You are so un-American. Go to number 2

                            

       2.     This is the true story... of a bunch strangers and a couple of friends... who signed up to live in a house...  work together and have their lives change ... who found out what happens... when people stop being polite... and start getting real...

Last year I had the pleasure of working at Super Bowl 46 in Indianapolis, IN. (I hate roman numerals and I’m guessing the NFL uses them because they think it looks cool on NFL merchandise.) Indy is only about 3 hours away from the only Mid-western city worth living in, Chicago, so most of my promotional industry friends took the short drive down to be apart of history. And that they were!

For an entire week before the big game you can participate in various events in a makeshift town called  Super Bowl Village and another one called the NFL Experience. You can see how far you can throw a football for a prize (most likely a Super Bowl koozie or a bag of Doritos (NFL Sponsor), you can stick your head in one of those cardboard cut outs of your favorite player from your favorite NFL team or even go zip lining over the entire city. A lot of people fly across the country and spend thousands of dollars renting hotels, cars and hookers just to watch a 3 hour game of football with other boozed up fans on a cold Sunday night.

I should mention working the Super Bowl is a great opportunity to meet people from all over the nation, hang out with people you already know in a new town and possibly meet some celebrities or professional athletes. My fingers were crossed the entire time, but no dice on meeting anyone that could pay off my student loans because they were drunk, rich and I showed them some nip.

However one experience that will stay with me forever is paying $1500 to rent out a house for 10 days and the craziness that ensued afterwards. I know $1500 sounds like a lot of money for the rental but believe me it was not. Most people who lived in Indy were taking advantage of the lack of hotel rooms and charging $1500 a night!

               
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Enter the Super Bowl House of Horrors. This house had 3 bedrooms, one bathroom and a thick animal/marijuana smell upon arrival. My two friends and I took it upon ourselves to thoroughly clean the place up and air it out before the other guests arrived. Some of the people in the house were friends, some were recommended by friends and some I had never met. We were to split the rent based on how many people stayed each night. The smallest amount of people we had at one time was 2, the largest amount, 18.

I slept in the master bedroom on a king-sized bed with 2 of my friends while 3 more people slept on the floor in sleeping bags. At one point we had various people in the other 2 bedrooms, 7 people in the living room, one on the couch, the rest taking up any space they could find on the floor. There were people on an air mattress in the kitchen, hanging from chandeliers, sleeping in the bathtub and there may have even been a baby sleeping in the stove. You get the picture. If not, it looked something like this:

Honestly everything went well for the first 3 nights. We took turns using the bathroom, cooking dinner, watching TV and then one by one we'd go to sleep. Then on the 4th night some of the roommates decided to go to a bar and that’s when all hell broke loose. My friend and I called this episode, D-day, D standing for drunk. 

Everyone in the house was jolted awake at 3 in the morning when housemate Tammy came home drunk and fighting with 2 housemates. I heard yelling, someone talking about calling Pookie and then scuffling. One guy got up and broke up the cat fight. Apparently once everything had settled down, Tammy decided to vacate the house in the middle of the night leaving the front door unlocked with everyone sleeping inside. She never texted, emailed or called to tell me if she was coming back, or when she was going to pay her rent. Not only did I have to track her down and stalk her at work to get the rest of our money but this inconsiderate slut bucket had put other people’s lives in danger to boot.

Then early one morning after D-day, one of the housemates was taking out the trash and caught housemate Allison throwing her belongings out of her bedroom window and fleeing to her car. We had to track that bitch down for the rest of her money and I only ended up getting a portion of it because I couldn’t leave work to harass her for the rest of it.

The last straw was when Lindsey Jo, a self entitled broad in need of a trip to the hair salon, told me she didn’t think she should have to pay as much as she was being charged because she slept on the floor and not in a bed. Whore please, you knew the deal before you even got to the house. Not only did we have a verbal contract, we had a written one too. She avoided me and some of the other housemates like the plague and literally ran through the streets of downtown Indianapolis trying to skip town after I caught her at work! I hate to say it but I would expect this sort of thing from low down dirty shameful ratchet folk, not from supposedly well-raised middle class white bitches*.

When I think of all the BS I had to put up with I wish I had stayed home and watched the hilarious commercials and the horrible half time show that I wait for all year long. This year I will do just that, but in salute to those low class hussies that skipped out on us, I’m dedicating these Super Bowl delicacies in their honor.

For Allison who tried to dip out on us in the wee hours of the morning through a bedroom window – Avocado Ranch Dip. This creamy concoction can be eaten with chips, chicken wings or southwestern egg rolls.

For Tammy who bragged about how she's so high class and how much money her daddy gives her for an allowance at 27 years old – White Trash Chex Mix. I should have known something was up with this girl when she read us hate mail her best friend had sent her. Then she tried to put her pale, lumpy T and A in my guy friend's face. Don’t nobody want to see that.

It was a toss up for this last recipe. I thought about a cheesy seven layer dip since Lindsey Jo is from Wisconsin (cheese head) and has a whole bunch of mess going on below that greasy top layer. But in the end, for the two-faced, flat-chested, cowboy boot wearing, hillbilly bimbo who had me running after her through the streets of Indianapolis – Rum Runner Punch, an alcoholic delight that all of your Super Bowl guests can enjoy!

Let me know what you end up doing/cooking/eating for Super Bowl 47 this year! I would love to see some photos and get some recipes from you all. Hopefully your experience will be a lot more savory than mine was last year!

*As a disclaimer for my SuperBowl House of Horrors post I want my readers to know I'm not racist. I wrote "supposedly well-raised middle class white bitches" and someone said I sound racist and that "People think it's ok to be racist with white people. Well It's not!" That's right, it isn't right to be racist to anyone and that was not my intention. I hope I have not offended anyone. I meant that these girls who called me trash from the wrong side of the tracks went out of their way to disrespect me. I never would have expected that from people who claimed they came from rich families and had the best opportunities in life. It really doesn't matter that they happen to be white.