The Strip Club

So lately my next-door neighbor Amanda and I have been spending more and more time together. Just to be clear, not in the Justin Bieber short haircut having Subaru Outback owner way, but more like the eating homemade Rice Krispie treats during a friendly yet charged game of  “Catch Phrases” type of way.

One day after an early morning calorie busting zumba class at our gym (By the way, I sweat like a Black athlete with a pending rape charge), Amanda suggested we go to the spa. She told me how relaxing and calming the whole experience can be. According to her you basically sit around in saunas, receiving top quality beauty treatments from little Asian ladies, while you chat away with your friends and luxuriate in all your middle to upper classiness. Plus one of her friends had an expiring Groupon that I could use and there's a café inside the spa. Bougie-ness at a discount AND snacks?

Sign me up!

King Spa and Sauna in Niles, IL

Now I know I masquerade as being an HCB (High Class Bi-otch) but I’m going to let you in on a little secret: I’ve never been to a spa before. I’ve only seen them in magazines like Vogue (with countless other excursions I can’t afford) and on TV shows like Sex and the City. Remember that one episode where Samantha gets banned from the day spa after asking her masseuse to go down on her and when he refuses she grabs his junk? 

Well this was my chance!

In preparation for the event, as per Amanda’s instructions, I took a shower at home and scrubbed the epi right off my dermis. How embarrassingly gross would it be to get in the wet sauna and leave a pile dead skin floating behind you Pig Pen style? To prove I was fully committed to this outing and as not scare or offend anyone, I also shaved my legs, which I am pretty much against doing in the wintertime. Not only does the extra fur keep you warm by providing a much needed layer between your long johns and your legs but I like to set new records for myself, each spring tallying up the inches of matted leg hair to see if I beat last year’s record. Just kidding.

A little...

After showering at home, I dressed in a warm, yet cute ensemble and headed to King Spa and Sauna where Amanda met me in the lobby. When I arrived I got a bracelet with a key and plastic medallion attached to it.

The number on the medallion is your account number for when you buy anything inside. ie. A beauty treatment, some food, a happy ending (just kidding) etc. It also serves as your locker number. You get two lockers, one for your shoes and one for all your other belongings. Next you pick out your pajamas, the choices being either small/medium PJ's in pink or X-Large PJ's in gray. I guess if you’re not small or medium then you’re punished by having to dress like an elephant.

Everyone Else

Small and Medium Dainty People

After pajama selection, the men go in on the right, the women on the left. When you enter the hallway you're greeted with a "Please take off your shoes sign" where you lock your shoes in your designated cubby.

The Korean part is translated as, "or ninjas will cut off your feet"

Next stop: FULL FRONTAL NUDITY-VILLE aka the locker room.  Luckily for me, I grew up attending afterschool programs and summer day camps at the YMCA. The YMCA being notorious for locker rooms full of smooth bottomed kids loosely chaperoned by their parents and old, wrinkly ladies with their nipples dragging on the floor who trade recipes in the showers. My childhood had prepared me for this moment. Thanks Mom.

Even still, seeing naked women (which doesn’t bother me) and actually getting naked in front of them are two different things. I’ve always been a pretty modest person. When I graduated from undershirts to training bras in the 6^th grade my mom and aunt enthusiastically sat on the edge of my parent’s bed and giddily urged me to strut my new itchy lacy, flower-patterned garments for them. I guess in their minds it was a coming of age fashion show type celebration of me turning into a lady (like I had previously been a pickle or some other non exciting thing). Of course I refused. 

Monsters.

It doesn’t help matters when you have a WebMD diagnosed body growth that you’re not used to other people seeing. I have a childhood scar on my shoulder from a car accident and a hole in my back (we won't even go there but it's healed up nicely) that I really don't want to discuss with the masseuse. Also everyone's adaption time to nakedness is different but honestly you better get over the nudity thing quickly because you only get two hand towels. One to wrap on your head like Princess Leia and the other to dry off with. Neither one is big enough to wrap around yourself unless you're Nicole Richie. 

They teach your how to roll up your towel to make the Princess Leia buns!

Inside the wet sauna room there a line of showers (no curtains) and  4 jacuzzi pools. 3 are hot and you are supposed sit in them in order of increasing temperature. The 3rd hot jacuzzi was so hot that I started fanning myself which caused this middle aged Korean lady next to me to slap me on the shoulder and cackle, "the heat good for you!" The 4th and final jacuzzi is purposely freezing cold. I think I felt my ovaries shrink when I got inside of it.

Next you get inside the steam room where the air is thick with moisture and the smell of aromatherapy eucalyptus oil. It was so steamed up in there I couldn't see anything on anyone from the knees down and my subtle curly hairdo immediately turned into a Diana Ross afro. Afterward you take another shower to wash off the dead skin and then you go get in your PJs.

Gold Room which is situated off the common room

Inside the common area there a multiple hot rooms each one with certain attributes that are supposed to make you feel different through special ions or something. My favorites were the amethyst and gold rooms because they were pretty. There is also a cafe with yummy high priced korean foods like bulgogi and jap chae. We all shared an amazing dessert of red beans and fruit over shaved ice and I had a pumpkin smoothie. 

Upstairs there are sleeping and meditation rooms with huge leather Lazyboy recliners that even elephants can fit in. There is also a bunch of other cool stuff like a "sweat chair" that looks sort of like Professor X's wheel chair (from X-men). Ot's supposed to make you lose water weight. They even have a movie theater room with showings every few hours. The Pursuit of Happiness, Harry Potter and Speed (I think they save that one for last when they want people to leave for the night) were on the schedule for that day.  

It looks suspect, but it was actually really good! Enough for 4 people to share.

We stayed at the spa for 6 hours and I didn't even notice the time fly by. Completely the opposite of My Day In Prison! I meditated in the amethyst room, took a nap in the quiet room, made friends with a nice black lady around my mom's age while I was in the hot jacuzzi and accidentally rubbed naked bodies with Amanda in the steam room. To answer your questions before you ask them:

1. Yes it is weird hanging out with random naked women and even more so your neighbor.

2. Does Amanda have nice boobs? Nicer than I imagined. 

3. Will I go to the spa again? Most definitely and you can go too! Right now, for the next couple of days LivingSocial is having a deal on the King Spa! Check it out HERE! You too can experience exotic foods and mingling with random naked people (but not simultaneously, thats gross). 

My Day in Prison

I've returned to my blog after many moons, ready to regale you with unique stories of my life! Don't call it a comeback! Okay okay, you can call it a comeback, but allow me to reintroduce myself:

I’ve been doing some soul-searching since my last blog post in April. Basically I’ve done some traveling for work, going to strip clubs, taking Hula hoop classes, accidentally funding the "street pharmacist" in my neighborhood and raising a rambunctiously hungry and moody bunny rabbit. I've got a huge curly afro now, so there's that. Blog posts on all of that coming soon!

Bunjamin Bunny and his stuffed friend Snow Bunny

Honestly I’ve just been lazy and not blogging like I should be. A new friend of mine stumbled upon my blog and told me I should continue writing. So on this bone chillingly cold Thanksgiving eve, while I’m being held hostage for what feels like the last 72 hours in the dingy tiled, bare walled PepBoys waisting waiting room, I dusted off the old keyboard and here we are.

Yesterday I called up PepBoys and made an appointment for my poor little VW Passat to get looked at. They told me that without an appointment it would be about a 3-hour wait if I just walked in. What is this, the line to buy Uggs on  Black Friday ? 

To make the most of my time I got here at the crack of dawn, even before the panhandlers start asking for change at the train stops. As a result my hair is wrapped in a satin scarf and tucked under a wool hat. Trés seductive like a sexy, less racist version of Aunt Jemima. Minus the pancakes of course as it was too damn early to cook anything. 

I’ve also got on mixed matched MENS gloves and I’ve had to use the bathroom since I got here. For some odd reason they don’t have bathrooms available for non-employees. Am I supposed to pee inside the germ infested kiddie toy box in the corner of the room with everyone watching? I didn’t realize going to PepBoys was like going to prison. After 3 hours I'm like "Fuck it!" Can I use the bathroom if I fill out an application? 

High above the recommended line of eyesight, loosely tethered on the paint chipped wall is a microscopic 19 inch TV.  

Why is the TV on the ceiling?

No, I’m not an elitist with a 55” flat screen at home, but I DO wear glasses. Mostly for watching TV, night driving and zombie shuffling to the kitchen in the middle of the night to get either a spoonful of ice cream or a pump of whipped cream straight from the can and into my mouth. Why dirty a spoon when you don’t have to? But this TV situation is ridiculous. I really don’t think it’s fair that I should be in need of an exorcism just to watch television while my car is being serviced.

If you choose to crane your neck 180° the holding cell shows Wendy Williams episodes on repeat. My guess as to why we’re being subjected to this brand of torture is:

         1 They are trying to brainwash us for some top secret government project.

         2 They want us to lose all since of time.

         3 When they give us the bad news about how many hundreds millions of dollars it going to cost               to fix the car, we’re happy to pay anything just to get out of here.

After a 6  HOUR WAIT a lady who arrived the same time as I did this morning, literally broke down and started crying because she had been here so long. And I thought my periods were bad?!  

About 30 minutes later the father of two children playing in the off smelling kiddie toy box started throwing toys at each other. When he said, "That's it, it's time to go," I looked up at him with a false sense of hope in my eyes. You can't be mad at the kids. Prison has a tendency to bring out the worst in people.

Finally my name is called over the loud speakers after a 7 HOUR WAIT. I could have gone to buy Uggs and gotten Starbucks in that amount of time yet I'm moments away from getting the news on my 13 year old V-dub. Is she going to be okay? Are they going to recommend I put her to sleep? We’ve had some good times, ole’ V-Dub and I.  

Even though she is slow to wake in the mornings, has parts that creak and isn’t as young as she used to be, she still looks good for her age. It’s true what they say: black don’t crack. Unless of course you forget to oil the leather seats: learned that the hard way.

Obviously I’ve been at PrisonBoys so long that I’m relieved to hear my name called, but if you think about it, can you really recall a time when having your name called over a loud speaker has resulted in something good? A visit to the principle’s office. A visit to the doctor’s office. Mall security when you got separated from your mom in Lane Bryant that one time… And I’ve never gotten my name called on The Price is Right so I’m bitter about that too.

After pleading speaking with the cashier it looks like I can either have heat in my car this winter or I can eat dinner indefinitely. While rubbing my neck, desperately trying to work the kinks out from watching The Wendy Show, I think about it for a second. Life is all about choices and what it comes down to is do I need dinner or do I need heat? Dinner is subjective anyway and I have been trying to lose weight.

But that’s why God created influenza.

And while heat would be nice when it’s 12° in Chicago, with a windshield of -141°, God also created blankets and summer time for when you don’t have heat in your car. I’d also have some extra cash to spend on gourmet whipped crème for nighttime treks to the refrigerator. Anyway, Happy Holidays!

I See You

If you keep up with me on Instagram you might have seen that I've started the fashion portion of my blog! (Look to the right hand side of my blog for the Instagram feed). I've also posted some pics of me rocking some new frames on there as well. A little while ago I was lucky enough to be invited to try out a pair of glasses from Firmoo. Firmoo is an online eyeglasses store that has everything from computer glasses to sunglasses. You can even try out your FIRST PAIR FOR FREE! 

Click to get your free pair + S&H

What I love about Firmoo   

* They have a large selection of frames in different colors and for different face shapes. You can upload your photo to their site and see what the glasses will look like before you actually purchase them! 

* The glasses didn’t take a long time to come in the mail! I do a lot of online shopping and hate when my items take a long time to get to me. I ordered my prescription glasses and they shipped out pretty quickly.

* They come with a cute black eyeglasses case, a cleaning cloth and some extra screws and what have yous just in case you need them! Nobody wants to trek to the store to buy eyeglasses screws but these frames are such high quality that you will probably never need  to make any adjustments!

  

* They are extremely affordable! You can get a pair for less than $40 (prescription included!). I actually wear prescription glasses for (driving, watching tv/movies and seeing in the dark since I have terrible night vision lol!) and have to go to the eye doctor twice a year. I just sent Firmoo my prescription and they did all the hard work.

Now I can pull off the geek, hipster or teacher looks flawlessly. I will definitely be ordering my summer pair prescription glasses from Firmoo. 

GO GET A PAIR!