Sunday, December 1, 2013

The Strip Club

So lately my next-door neighbor Amanda and I have been spending more and more time together. Just to be clear, not in the Justin Bieber short haircut having Subaru Outback owner way, but more like the eating homemade Rice Krispie treats during a friendly yet charged game of  “Catch Phrases” type of way.

One day after an early morning calorie busting zumba class at our gym (By the way, I sweat like a Black athlete with a pending rape charge), Amanda suggested we go to the spa. She told me how relaxing and calming the whole experience can be. According to her you basically sit around in saunas, receiving top quality beauty treatments from little Asian ladies, while you chat away with your friends and luxuriate in all your middle to upper classiness. Plus one of her friends had an expiring Groupon that I could use and there's a café inside the spa. Bougie-ness at a discount AND snacks?

Sign me up!

King Spa and Sauna in Niles, IL

Now I know I masquerade as being an HCB (High Class Bi-otch) but I’m going to let you in on a little secret: I’ve never been to a spa before. I’ve only seen them in magazines like Vogue (with countless other excursions I can’t afford) and on TV shows like Sex and the City. Remember that one episode where Samantha gets banned from the day spa after asking her masseuse to go down on her and when he refuses she grabs his junk? 

Well this was my chance!

In preparation for the event, as per Amanda’s instructions, I took a shower at home and scrubbed the epi right off my dermis. How embarrassingly gross would it be to get in the wet sauna and leave a pile dead skin floating behind you Pig Pen style? To prove I was fully committed to this outing and as not scare or offend anyone, I also shaved my legs, which I am pretty much against doing in the wintertime. Not only does the extra fur keep you warm by providing a much needed layer between your long johns and your legs but I like to set new records for myself, each spring tallying up the inches of matted leg hair to see if I beat last year’s record. Just kidding.

A little...

After showering at home, I dressed in a warm, yet cute ensemble and headed to King Spa and Sauna where Amanda met me in the lobby. When I arrived I got a bracelet with a key and plastic medallion attached to it.

The number on the medallion is your account number for when you buy anything inside. ie. A beauty treatment, some food, a happy ending (just kidding) etc. It also serves as your locker number. You get two lockers, one for your shoes and one for all your other belongings. Next you pick out your pajamas, the choices being either small/medium PJ's in pink or X-Large PJ's in gray. I guess if you’re not small or medium then you’re punished by having to dress like an elephant.

Everyone Else

Small and Medium Dainty People

After pajama selection, the men go in on the right, the women on the left. When you enter the hallway you're greeted with a "Please take off your shoes sign" where you lock your shoes in your designated cubby.

The Korean part is translated as, "or ninjas will cut off your feet"

Next stop: FULL FRONTAL NUDITY-VILLE aka the locker room.  Luckily for me, I grew up attending afterschool programs and summer day camps at the YMCA. The YMCA being notorious for locker rooms full of smooth bottomed kids loosely chaperoned by their parents and old, wrinkly ladies with their nipples dragging on the floor who trade recipes in the showers. My childhood had prepared me for this moment. Thanks Mom.

Even still, seeing naked women (which doesn’t bother me) and actually getting naked in front of them are two different things. I’ve always been a pretty modest person. When I graduated from undershirts to training bras in the 6th grade my mom and aunt enthusiastically sat on the edge of my parent’s bed and giddily urged me to strut my new itchy lacy, flower-patterned garments for them. I guess in their minds it was a coming of age fashion show type celebration of me turning into a lady (like I had previously been a pickle or some other non exciting thing). Of course I refused. 


It doesn’t help matters when you have a WebMD diagnosed body growth that you’re not used to other people seeing. I have a childhood scar on my shoulder from a car accident and a hole in my back (we won't even go there but it's healed up nicely) that I really don't want to discuss with the masseuse. Also everyone's adaption time to nakedness is different but honestly you better get over the nudity thing quickly because you only get two hand towels. One to wrap on your head like Princess Leia and the other to dry off with. Neither one is big enough to wrap around yourself unless you're Nicole Richie. 

They teach your how to roll up your towel to make the Princess Leia buns!
Inside the wet sauna room there a line of showers (no curtains) and  4 jacuzzi pools. 3 are hot and you are supposed sit in them in order of increasing temperature. The 3rd hot jacuzzi was so hot that I started fanning myself which caused this middle aged Korean lady next to me to slap me on the shoulder and cackle, "the heat good for you!" The 4th and final jacuzzi is purposely freezing cold. I think I felt my ovaries shrink when I got inside of it.

Next you get inside the steam room where the air is thick with moisture and the smell of aromatherapy eucalyptus oil. It was so steamed up in there I couldn't see anything on anyone from the knees down and my subtle curly hairdo immediately turned into a Diana Ross afro. Afterward you take another shower to wash off the dead skin and then you go get in your PJs.

Gold Room which is situated off the common room
Inside the common area there a multiple hot rooms each one with certain attributes that are supposed to make you feel different through special ions or something. My favorites were the amethyst and gold rooms because they were pretty. There is also a cafe with yummy high priced korean foods like bulgogi and jap chae. We all shared an amazing dessert of red beans and fruit over shaved ice and I had a pumpkin smoothie. 

Upstairs there are sleeping and meditation rooms with huge leather Lazyboy recliners that even elephants can fit in. There is also a bunch of other cool stuff like a "sweat chair" that looks sort of like Professor X's wheel chair (from X-men). Ot's supposed to make you lose water weight. They even have a movie theater room with showings every few hours. The Pursuit of Happiness, Harry Potter and Speed (I think they save that one for last when they want people to leave for the night) were on the schedule for that day.  
It looks suspect, but it was actually really good! Enough for 4 people to share.
We stayed at the spa for 6 hours and I didn't even notice the time fly by. Completely the opposite of My Day In PrisonI meditated in the amethyst room, took a nap in the quiet room, made friends with a nice black lady around my mom's age while I was in the hot jacuzzi and accidentally rubbed naked bodies with Amanda in the steam room. To answer your questions before you ask them:

1. Yes it is weird hanging out with random naked women and even more so your neighbor.

2. Does Amanda have nice boobs? Nicer than I imagined. 

3. Will I go to the spa again? Most definitely and you can go too! Right now, for the next couple of days LivingSocial is having a deal on the King Spa! Check it out HERE! You too can experience exotic foods and mingling with random naked people (but not simultaneously, thats gross). 

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

My Day in Prison

I've returned to my blog after many moons, ready to regale you with unique stories of my life! Don't call it a comeback! Okay okay, you can call it a comeback, but allow me to reintroduce myself:

I’ve been doing some soul-searching since my last blog post in April. Basically I’ve done some traveling for work, going to strip clubs, taking Hula hoop classes, accidentally funding the "street pharmacist" in my neighborhood and raising a rambunctiously hungry and moody bunny rabbit. I've got a huge curly afro now, so there's that. Blog posts on all of that coming soon!

Bunjamin Bunny and his stuffed friend Snow Bunny

Honestly I’ve just been lazy and not blogging like I should be. A new friend of mine stumbled upon my blog and told me I should continue writing. So on this bone chillingly cold Thanksgiving eve, while I’m being held hostage for what feels like the last 72 hours in the dingy tiled, bare walled PepBoys waisting waiting room, I dusted off the old keyboard and here we are.

Yesterday I called up PepBoys and made an appointment for my poor little VW Passat to get looked at. They told me that without an appointment it would be about a 3-hour wait if I just walked in. What is this, the line to buy Uggs on  Black Friday 

To make the most of my time I got here at the crack of dawn, even before the panhandlers start asking for change at the train stops. As a result my hair is wrapped in a satin scarf and tucked under a wool hat. Trés seductive like a sexy, less racist version of Aunt Jemima. Minus the pancakes of course as it was too damn early to cook anything. 

I’ve also got on mixed matched MENS gloves and I’ve had to use the bathroom since I got here. For some odd reason they don’t have bathrooms available for non-employees. Am I supposed to pee inside the germ infested kiddie toy box in the corner of the room with everyone watching? I didn’t realize going to PepBoys was like going to prison. After 3 hours I'm like "Fuck it!" Can I use the bathroom if I fill out an application? 

High above the recommended line of eyesight, loosely tethered on the paint chipped wall is a microscopic 19 inch TV.  
Why is the TV on the ceiling?
No, I’m not an elitist with a 55” flat screen at home, but I DO wear glasses. Mostly for watching TV, night driving and zombie shuffling to the kitchen in the middle of the night to get either a spoonful of ice cream or a pump of whipped cream straight from the can and into my mouth. Why dirty a spoon when you don’t have to? But this TV situation is ridiculous. I really don’t think it’s fair that I should be in need of an exorcism just to watch television while my car is being serviced.

If you choose to crane your neck 180° the holding cell shows Wendy Williams episodes on repeat. My guess as to why we’re being subjected to this brand of torture is:

         1 They are trying to brainwash us for some top secret government project.

         2 They want us to lose all since of time.

         When they give us the bad news about how many hundreds millions of dollars it going to cost               to fix the car, we’re happy to pay anything just to get out of here.

After a 6  HOUR WAIT a lady who arrived the same time as I did this morning, literally broke down and started crying because she had been here so long. And I thought my periods were bad?!  

About 30 minutes later the father of two children playing in the off smelling kiddie toy box started throwing toys at each other. When he said, "That's it, it's time to go," I looked up at him with a false sense of hope in my eyes. You can't be mad at the kids. Prison has a tendency to bring out the worst in people.

Finally my name is called over the loud speakers after a 7 HOUR WAIT. I could have gone to buy Uggs and gotten Starbucks in that amount of time yet I'm moments away from getting the news on my 13 year old V-dub. Is she going to be okay? Are they going to recommend I put her to sleep? We’ve had some good times, ole’ V-Dub and I.  

Even though she is slow to wake in the mornings, has parts that creak and isn’t as young as she used to be, she still looks good for her age. It’s true what they say: black don’t crack. Unless of course you forget to oil the leather seats: learned that the hard way.

Obviously I’ve been at PrisonBoys so long that I’m relieved to hear my name called, but if you think about it, can you really recall a time when having your name called over a loud speaker has resulted in something good? A visit to the principle’s office. A visit to the doctor’s office. Mall security when you got separated from your mom in Lane Bryant that one time… And I’ve never gotten my name called on The Price is Right so I’m bitter about that too.

After pleading speaking with the cashier it looks like I can either have heat in my car this winter or I can eat dinner indefinitely. While rubbing my neck, desperately trying to work the kinks out from watching The Wendy Show, I think about it for a second. Life is all about choices and what it comes down to is do I need dinner or do I need heat? Dinner is subjective anyway and I have been trying to lose weight.

But that’s why God created influenza.

And while heat would be nice when it’s 12° in Chicago, with a windshield of -141°, God also created blankets and summer time for when you don’t have heat in your car. I’d also have some extra cash to spend on gourmet whipped crème for nighttime treks to the refrigerator. Anyway, Happy Holidays!

Wednesday, April 3, 2013

I See You

If you keep up with me on Instagram you might have seen that I've started the fashion portion of my blog! (Look to the right hand side of my blog for the Instagram feed). I've also posted some pics of me rocking some new frames on there as well. A little while ago I was lucky enough to be invited to try out a pair of glasses from Firmoo. Firmoo is an online eyeglasses store that has everything from computer glasses to sunglasses. You can even try out your FIRST PAIR FOR FREE! 

Click to get your free pair + S&H

What I love about Firmoo   

They have a large selection of frames in different colors and for different face shapes. You can upload your photo to their site and see what the glasses will look like before you actually purchase them! 

The glasses didn’t take a long time to come in the mail! I do a lot of online shopping and hate when my items take a long time to get to me. I ordered my prescription glasses and they shipped out pretty quickly.

They come with a cute black eyeglasses case, a cleaning cloth and some extra screws and what have yous just in case you need them! Nobody wants to trek to the store to buy eyeglasses screws but these frames are such high quality that you will probably never need  to make any adjustments!

They are extremely affordable! You can get a pair for less than $40 (prescription included!). I actually wear prescription glasses for (driving, watching tv/movies and seeing in the dark since I have terrible night vision lol!) and have to go to the eye doctor twice a year. I just sent Firmoo my prescription and they did all the hard work.

Now I can pull off the geek, hipster or teacher looks flawlessly. I will definitely be ordering my summer pair prescription glasses from Firmoo. 

Monday, April 1, 2013

Ain't Nobody Got Time For That

Have you ever seen the Instant Breakfast Drink commercial where Holly Robinson Peete is all like, “With so much going on it's essential I give my kids a nutritional breakfast”?

Bitch Please. Now I don’t have children and I didn’t even grow up eating the type of full breakfasts that you see in tv commercials, but giving your kids a chocolate milkshake that has 7 teaspoons of sugar in it can’t be all that good for them

Who is eating all this food when they wake up? I would definitely have the itis*!

If you're going to feed your kids pure sugar in the form of morning milkshakes then teachers should be able to carry tranquilizer darts with them. That way when the sugar takes over the childrens' bodies and things get out of control the teachers can shoot a quick dart to the neck of the offending child and resume the lesson plan.

A lot of people think they are being healthy by choosing items that are lite and low fat or because Holly Robinson Peete said to drink it. They don’t really know what’s good for them. But who's fault is that?

One of my good friends from high school and I were talking about the obesity epidemic the other day and she believes it’s the government’s [FDA] duty to make sure companies aren’t taking advantage of consumers. Large companies shouldn’t be able to tell you that a chicken is organic, but secretly feed the chickens inorganic corn meal, old parts of birds that were in chicken fights and jelly beans. We should be able to go to the store and pick up a box or a bag of whatever our heart desires and know that what we are buying, is what we are really getting.

The Amount of sugar in one serving of Carnation's Breakfast Chocolate Shake
And while I agree that companies should disclose all the facts about their products, I just don’t think it’s realistic to believe that a multi-million dollar company would choose honesty and straightfowardness over their bottom line. Marketing phrases like "No added sugar" and "No Trans Fat" are supposed to make you think it’s okay to eat Fishy McBites

We live in a fast paced world where we want what we want, when we want it. I don’t want to wait until next week for GI Joe Redemption to come out in theaters. Ain’t nobody got time for that! I’ve got to download it from bit torrent and watch it NOW! People want the same thing with their food. They don't want to take the time to research what they should and shouldn't be eating. They just want to eat it.

I mean, would you enjoy getting dolled up, hanging out at a bar with friends and flirting with men to find a sugar daddy to pay off your college loans? YES! Who wouldn’t? But if you’re really serious about your health then you should reschedule that appointment to get your mustache waxed, hop on the computer and find how natural your Trader Joe’s peanut butter really is.

There is no reason why a middle/upper class person of generation X or generation YOLO should not take responsibility for what they put in their mouth.  You can only make the best choice based on the facts that you are given, but if you don’t even do the research to begin with that’s your mistake.

And you know what? I love those Ikea Swedish meatballs, but in Europe, trace amounts of horse meat has been found in them. Would I eat Ikea Swedish meatballs on a normal trip to Ikea in America? You better believe it. Would I eat them in Europe after I took the time to go online and see how much sodium is in a serving of those yummy meatballs and stumbled upon this horse meat nonsense? Possibly if they were all out of chicken strips. But at least I did the leg work and know what I'm biting into: More Protein

What I would like to eat for breakfast
What I grew up eating for breakfast
*The Itis is when you eat a (could be large) meal and your get extremely tired/lazy/lethargic afterwards.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Dates On A Plane

It’s always been a fantasy life goal of mine to meet a handsome stranger on a plane. Over the past year I’ve been flying more (for work mainly but a little for pleasure) and this weekend on work trip to Denver it finally happened.

By the way, there is free wifi at Denver International Airport! Usually airports try to charge you at least $7 to connect for an hour so. Money Grab! So I was taking this opportunity to check my emails and do some tweeting while waiting for the plane to board. Eventually someone sat down in the empty seat next to me. I didn’t really pay any attention until this sexy masculine scented cologne started wafting my way.

For any guys who may be reading this, just in case you didn’t know, a good smelling man will make a woman want to rub her boobies all over you. At least it makes me feel that way.

Axe body spray isn't the best scent for men out there, but it's better than nothing

And then, out the corner of my eye I see him. Sitting next to me is the man of my dreams. In awe of the amount of sexiness in my presence I immediately stop typing, grab my bottled water off the floor and accidentally spill it on myself. Smooth? Not at all. A great conversation starter? HELL yes.

As we board the plane we chat about my lifelong battle with clumsiness, which leads to the getting to know you question and answer session. This guy, (referred to as Mr. Smile from now on) has an amazing white toothy smile, like something out of a crest commercial. I struggle reminding myself not to stare intently at his mouth.

Southwest Airlines has a punch-someone-in-the-face-and-knock-over-a-baby-stroller-to-sit-anywhere-you-can policy so Mr. Smile and I sit down next to each other. He puts my bags in the overhead bins for me and asks if I would rather have the window or the aisle seat. What a gentleman.

After we reach 10,000 ft. I pull out my tablet (that I rooted myself) and we talk nerdy tech stuff for a bit. Sadly I discover that I’ve lost my headphones, but Mr. Smile offers to share the left side of his earphones with me under the condition that we watch a decent movie together.

When the flight attendant comes over to ask what we’d like to drink she says what a cute couple we make.

Mr. Smile shoots me a glance and replies, “You know we met for the first time on a Southwest flight. We’re on our honeymoon now. Headed to Chicago and then to Paris

Clutching her heart shaped Southwest pin she sighed. I’ll be right back.

She brings us complimentary chardonnay (guess it’s the closest thing they had to champagne). Over the intercom system the captain congratulates the newlyweds in seats 18A and 18B and the guests on the plane all start clapping.

I am happily mortified

Mr. Smile leans towards me, his sexy man scent filling my lungs and lightly kisses me on the lips. I try to catch my breath as I almost melt out of my seat. And then suddenly the plane gives a rough jolt that throws me forward sending my stomach into my throat and my heart into afib.  

I wake up.

There is nobody sitting next to me. The flight attendant is telling everyone to remain seated as we coast to a stop and that we may now use our cell phones. Thank you for flying Southwest and welcome to Chicago.

It was all dream 

Monday, March 4, 2013

OK Cupid

The other night, over fried chicken and watermelon (j/k we were totally eating fois gras) one of my close friends and I were discussing this guy Blake that she had went out with on a couple of dates. They had met on an online dating site. He was really cute and very nice, but he was dumb as rocks. She just could not continue to see him.

Honestly I don't really see much of a problem with dating a dumb dude as long as they are cute. For example take Derrick Rose. Have you ever heard him speak? In most of his commercials his lines are kept to a minimum and I'm sure that's for the viewers benefit. He sounds slow. Not mentally handicapped slow, but simple multiplication slow.

I'm not a dating elitist. I don't think you need a Masters Degree, Nobel peace prize and a Grammy award to be datable. Of course it doesn't hurt that D. Rose is worth millions. But if you can't hold an intellectually stimulating conversation just be handsome and mysterious. It's sexy.

Basically my friend told me that I don't know what it's like out there in the dating world. Apparently its really hard to find someone. Maybe she has a point. I did get rejected by that cashier at Marshalls.

I'm not lucky enough (or unlucky if you're one of those glass half empty people) to have fallen in love and married my high school sweetheart. I didn't even have a high school sweetheart. The guy I went to the prom with ended up being bisexual (aka homosexual). Plus, once you leave school it's really hard to meet someone.

After college I had a period of 'dating myself time'. Basically nobody at work was suitable to date (read: attractive, funny or single) and I started to panic. Where am I going to meet someone?

T-pain might have been in love with a stripper, but personally I don't date guys I meet at clubs or public service workers which include:
Police Officers - They all look the same and have that "po'po look". Plus I don't need anyone judging me for wearing a shirt once and then returning it back to the store. That is semi-legal.
Military - No offense but they seem a little brainwashed. You have to be conditioned to make it in the military and all that discipline would drive me nuts.
Fireman - They are nice to look at, but I don't touch. Basically I don't want my boyfriend's face to get burned off. Is that selfish? I don't think so.

And I would rather not date actors. You never really know what you are getting with them. Are they really into me or are they just doing research for a part where a ~fill in the blank~ Bank Robber/Ex Convict/White guy dates a black girl? Most of the guys I've met that are in the acting business are either self centered, fake or insecure, if not all 3. The combination of auditioning, rejection and sometimes unwarranted praise can F a person up. Of course my aversion to dating people in these professions can go out the window if you have a nice smile and even nicer biceps.

On the other hand I love creative types. If you can play a guitar (especially with your toes), build a PC from scratch or take amazing photos, I just might fall in love with you. Extra points if you're into video production and/or you smell good.

So after much deliberation my friend and I decided that I would conduct a little experiment. I would set up a profile online and see how easy (or hard) it is to find a normal, datable person.

My Goals
1. Set up an online dating profile Check!
2. Find a friend
3. Find a pen pal
4. Find a date

Please let me in on any advice, do's/don'ts, precautions to take etc. Do you have any interesting/funny/horrific/inspiring online dating stories? In the mean time, Wish me luck!

*And before anyone gets upset, I respect all of the aforementioned professions and know people/have friends who have made a career out of them.There is nothing wrong with their line of work and I'm not saying I wouldn't consider dating someone that pays their bills through those means. Through my own personal experiences I've found that people in those positions are not preferable to me. But to each their own.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Hide your kids, Hide your wife

What would you do if you woke up in the middle of the night and there were two robbers in your apartment?
  1. Hide
  2. Confront/Fight Robbers
  3. Yell for Help
I think most women would hide, most men would also hide and some brave reckless douche-bags would confront the thieves. I really have no idea what I would do. Probably have a heart attack from the fear of being killed and then die in the bed. One less thing the robbers have to worry about.

My friend Mario told me that after coming home late at night and being held at gunpoint twice, he will never give up his wallet to muggers in the future.

I know what you’re saying, “Held up at gunpoint twice? Dang hommie!” But he lives in Englewood: home of Jennifer Hudson, Derrick Rose and the 47 shootings you saw reported on the evening news last night. It’s the most dangerous neighborhood in Chicago so going to the grocery store at 10 in the morning is the wrong place, wrong time. And not to question his manhood but he’s like 5’7, 140lbs. so there are probably more than a few thugs that think they can take him.

His argument was that most guys in the hood are not expert marksmen. If you zigzag, duck and roll you can dodge their bullets. 

Ummm, good luck with that. Afterwards maybe you can audition for the UniverSOUL circus too.

Then he said, “And don’t come at me with a knife.”

Well I would prefer to sit down and talk things out rationally too, but that’s not always an option. Unless you can go all Ryu on their ass and do some flying bicycle kicks, I say let them take what they want.
Ryu from Street Fighter

I started wondering if I should I take self-defense classes and would they really be useful in this situation? Maybe, but I think ninja stars would come in more handy or at the very least some pepper spray. This is why I can’t watch movies like Taken before I go to sleep at night.

It’s always good to be prepared but I probably don’t have to worry much about robberies. I’m basing this on two facts:
  1. I don’t keep my blinds open at night, so people can’t see what I have and where it is. Why do people do that? You can literally drive by some people’s houses and make a diorama of their home.
  2. I live on the third floor and the college girls that live on the basement level are probably going to get “got” before I do.

If you’re going to rob me you better be in pretty good shape because carrying a TV down 3 flights of stairs is no joke. And for your sake you’re going to want to be able to repel off a building or possibly have Spiderman web shooting powers. Next time I move, I’m going to hire movers with these capabilities for sure.

I did see an article from The University of Louisville’s Department of Safety (a highly respected source no doubt) on What NOT To Do During A Robbery that said:

Don’t chase or follow the robber. You could be mistaken for the robber in a pursuit by police.

And I agree, mainly because I’m black. Take from that what you will.

But God forbid I did get robbed. I would want the thieves to take whatever they wanted - just not my cell phone or my virginity. That 2008 edition MacBook? It doesn’t go into sleep mode when you close it but be my guest. The PS3? Sometimes the game freezes and you have to start the whole thing over again, but sure. My teapot collection? Not interested? Fair enough.

Obviously I have thought about keeping a butterfly knife handy in case I need to stab an intruder and then scream for help but I paid good money for this rug in Korea-town and I don’t want any bloodstains on it. And I don’t have a gun but in Illinois you can shoot an intruder and not get sued for it. That’s a step up from Florida where if you shoot and kill a crook they give you free coupons for pizza hut. Gross.

Hot dog stuffed crust Pizza Hut pizza. Only in America, home of the brave

I should probably be more worried about apartment fires since I have bad short-term memory and I like to light candles for ambiance. All viable reason's to get renter's insurance.

Monday, February 18, 2013

Birth Control and Viagra

My mom told me that my personality hasn’t really changed much since I was little. My brother wasn’t born until I was 9 and there weren’t many kids in my neighborhood so I had to keep myself entertained.

I would happily doodle in coloring books, religiously watch Ghostwriter and when I was an infant I would chew the nipples off all of my baby bottles. To this day, I still like to chew on things. Pen caps, straws, those little t-shaped plastic pieces that attach the price tag to your clothes. I’m basically the same person I was at 2 years old, except with boobies.

According to my mom I would always sit back and scope people out before I would decide if I wanted to be bothered with them or not. She didn’t have to worry about me talking to random people in the grocery store or taking candy from strangers. She probably worried more about baby bottle plastic poisoning since I clearly had an addiction.

Pumping gas on a family trip circa '89. Pretty sure this was illegal

Fast forward 20 years and I’m not as wary of strangers anymore. Mostly because I work in an industry where I talk to people I don’t know for a living. I occasionally emcee events, do live cooking shows with chefs and demonstrations for hundreds of people at state fairs. I once told a man at the airport that I hoped I wasn’t being inappropriate but he had some gorgeously muscular calves.

And while I still can’t bring myself to sing karaoke in front of a room full of strangers, I’m always the one nominated by friends to ask people for directions.

But alas the stranger danger I’m talking about in this post is state legislation. I like to keep my blog topics light but its pretty worrisome that a lot people have no idea what their state laws are and many can’t even name their own governor.

A woman I know regularly posts celebrity gossip and entertainment news on FaceBook. Based on one of her status updates I asked her about her feelings on religious propaganda in the media and she had no intelligent response. She actually told me that politics are boring and she just reads the comment sections of yahoo news sites and bases who she votes for on the responses. 

What the what?

Fair enough you may not be aware of every breaking news story. I’m no political scholar myself, but I do try to keep up with the laws of land. At the very least I like to watch CNN for Anderson Cooper’s silver fox good looks.

Maybe we only care about things that we think affect us?

Well just because it doesn't affect you, doesn't mean that it doesn't affect someone that you know. Did you know that in Illinois, based on their religious views, a pharmacist can deny Plan B (the morning after pill) to a patient? Or that doctors can make women look at an ultrasound of their womb before getting an abortion?

Would it be fair to make a guy that wanted a prescription for Viagra get a colonoscopy first? I should take a poll (no pun intended). And I would never want a friend (or an enemy) of mine to be unable to get birth control because someone who passively read a Yahoo forum voted against it.

Look, I totally understand. What Kimye is naming their baby is super important. But it's equally important that we educate ourselves and a bit selfish not to. Maybe you don't know anyone that needs viagra, but secretly, maybe your dad does. And do you really want the government controlling his erections?!