Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Why I hate public bathrooms

For years I've been doing the Chun Li move when it comes to flushing the toilet seat handle so believe me when I say that it's nice to not have to touch anything in a public bathroom.  


I know that America major American cities are getting on board with being less wasteful and saving the planet by banning plastic bags and I think its great. But the one thing we can not afford to skimp on is hand soap. These automatic hand soap machines are stingier than a Haitian refugee with a chicken wing. I mean they honestly give you enough soap to kill like 3 bacterium. So when you see me at the sink, flicking my hands back and forth, please know that I'm not pretending that I've got 2 turn tables and a microphone. I'm just trying to get some more dang soap.

I also dont like to be f'ed with unless I'll get the possibility of a new job or a free meal out of it. So obviously I hate it when the sensor won't pick up my movement and turn the water faucet on. Nobody wants to see me twerk in front of the sink just to be able wash my hands.

And nobody wants to spend a lot of unnecessary time in a public bathroom, afterall I'm not George Michael. 
But Some things should not be rushed! 

Most often the automatic flusher usually flushes before you're finished with your business. It defeats the purpose of being an automatic flusher if:

1. I have to squeeze my bladder muscles as hard as I can in order to pee in 3.5 seconds

2. I have 2.4 seconds left to thoroughly wipe and throw the tissue paper away in time for it to fully be sucked down the drain

3. I end up having to Manually push the button to flush it again anyway!

And since they're making everything automatic anyway, how about standard automatic plastic seat covers in public bathrooms. They have them at Chicago's O'hare airport and have changed my life!
Normally I'm squatting low enough to the toilet seat to avoid splash back and simultaneously get in my crossfit WOD. I basically do this maneuver so that my butt doesn't touch the seat because I don't go bareback, nor do I trust those paper toilet seat covers. Like if thats all that stands between me and crabs or trichinosis of the booty hole then I'll get my weight lifting in by hovering over the porcelain bowl thank you.

And a little privacy would be nice. Would it be too much to ask for bathroom door manufacturers to make door hinges more flush? See what I did there? If I can see you walk by from the inside of the stall, then I know you can see me getting my potty cardio on when you walk by as well.

As a bathroom courtesy I must ask moms to cut the umbilical cord: If I see another mother bring a grown ass 13 year old bat mitzvah'ed man into the ladies restroom I'm going to say something. If your son is old enough to tie his own shoes, there's a good chance he's old enough to use the men's bathroom alone.

All automatic everything is a double edged sword. While writing this I realized waving my hands in front of the hand activated sensors could possibly cause a hand tumor 30 years from now. Finger foods are awesome. 


Don't blame me for my slightly irrational fear of cancer, blame the Susan B. Coleman foundation and all the pink merchandise for sale in October. Let's write a letter to our congressman or have a kid hold up a piece of cardboard with an ill written message on Facebook to get some scientific studies on hand sensors up and going.

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