Ain't Nobody Got Time For That

Have you ever seen the Instant Breakfast Drink commercial where Holly Robinson Peete is all like, “With so much going on it's essential I give my kids a nutritional breakfast”?

Bitch Please. Now I don’t have children and I didn’t even grow up eating the type of full breakfasts that you see in tv commercials, but giving your kids a chocolate milkshake that has 7 teaspoons of sugar in it can’t be all that good for them

Who is eating all this food when they wake up? I would definitely have the itis*!

If you're going to feed your kids pure sugar in the form of morning milkshakes then teachers should be able to carry tranquilizer darts with them. That way when the sugar takes over the childrens' bodies and things get out of control the teachers can shoot a quick dart to the neck of the offending child and resume the lesson plan.

A lot of people think they are being healthy by choosing items that are lite and low fat or because Holly Robinson Peete said to drink it. They don’t really know what’s good for them. But who's fault is that?

One of my good friends from high school and I were talking about the obesity epidemic the other day and she believes it’s the government’s [FDA] duty to make sure companies aren’t taking advantage of consumers. Large companies shouldn’t be able to tell you that a chicken is organic, but secretly feed the chickens inorganic corn meal, old parts of birds that were in chicken fights and jelly beans. We should be able to go to the store and pick up a box or a bag of whatever our heart desires and know that what we are buying, is what we are really getting.

The Amount of sugar in one serving of Carnation's Breakfast Chocolate Shake

And while I agree that companies should disclose all the facts about their products, I just don’t think it’s realistic to believe that a multi-million dollar company would choose honesty and straightfowardness over their bottom line. Marketing phrases like "No added sugar" and "No Trans Fat" are supposed to make you think it’s okay to eat Fishy McBites

We live in a fast paced world where we want what we want, when we want it. I don’t want to wait until next week for GI Joe Redemption to come out in theaters. Ain’t nobody got time for that! I’ve got to download it from bit torrent and watch it NOW! People want the same thing with their food. They don't want to take the time to research what they should and shouldn't be eating. They just want to eat it.

I mean, would you enjoy getting dolled up, hanging out at a bar with friends and flirting with men to find a sugar daddy to pay off your college loans? YES! Who wouldn’t? But if you’re really serious about your health then you should reschedule that appointment to get your mustache waxed, hop on the computer and find how natural your Trader Joe’s peanut butter really is.

There is no reason why a middle/upper class person of generation X or generation YOLO should not take responsibility for what they put in their mouth.  You can only make the best choice based on the facts that you are given, but if you don’t even do the research to begin with that’s your mistake.

And you know what? I love those Ikea Swedish meatballs, but in Europe, trace amounts of horse meat has been found in them. Would I eat Ikea Swedish meatballs on a normal trip to Ikea in America? You better believe it. Would I eat them in Europe after I took the time to go online and see how much sodium is in a serving of those yummy meatballs and stumbled upon this horse meat nonsense? Possibly if they were all out of chicken strips. But at least I did the leg work and know what I'm biting into: More Protein. 

What I would like to eat for breakfast

What I grew up eating for breakfast

*The Itis is when you eat a (could be large) meal and your get extremely tired/lazy/lethargic afterwards.

Dates On A Plane

It’s always been a fantasy life goal of mine to meet a handsome stranger on a plane. Over the past year I’ve been flying more (for work mainly but a little for pleasure) and this weekend on work trip to Denver it finally happened.

By the way, there is free wifi at Denver International Airport! Usually airports try to charge you at least $7 to connect for an hour so. Money Grab! So I was taking this opportunity to check my emails and do some tweeting while waiting for the plane to board. Eventually someone sat down in the empty seat next to me. I didn’t really pay any attention until this sexy masculine scented cologne started wafting my way.

For any guys who may be reading this, just in case you didn’t know, a good smelling man will make a woman want to rub her boobies all over you. At least it makes me feel that way.

Axe body spray isn't the best scent for men out there, but it's better than nothing

And then, out the corner of my eye I see him. Sitting next to me is the man of my dreams. In awe of the amount of sexiness in my presence I immediately stop typing, grab my bottled water off the floor and accidentally spill it on myself. Smooth? Not at all. A great conversation starter? HELL yes.

As we board the plane we chat about my lifelong battle with clumsiness, which leads to the getting to know you question and answer session. This guy, (referred to as Mr. Smile from now on) has an amazing white toothy smile, like something out of a crest commercial. I struggle reminding myself not to stare intently at his mouth.

Southwest Airlines has a punch-someone-in-the-face-and-knock-over-a-baby-stroller-to-sit-anywhere-you-can policy so Mr. Smile and I sit down next to each other. He puts my bags in the overhead bins for me and asks if I would rather have the window or the aisle seat. What a gentleman.

After we reach 10,000 ft. I pull out my tablet (that I rooted myself) and we talk nerdy tech stuff for a bit. Sadly I discover that I’ve lost my headphones, but Mr. Smile offers to share the left side of his earphones with me under the condition that we watch a decent movie together.

When the flight attendant comes over to ask what we’d like to drink she says what a cute couple we make.

Mr. Smile shoots me a glance and replies, “You know we met for the first time on a Southwest flight. We’re on our honeymoon now. Headed to Chicago and then to Paris

Clutching her heart shaped Southwest pin she sighed. I’ll be right back.

She brings us complimentary chardonnay (guess it’s the closest thing they had to champagne). Over the intercom system the captain congratulates the newlyweds in seats 18A and 18B and the guests on the plane all start clapping.

I am happily mortified

Mr. Smile leans towards me, his sexy man scent filling my lungs and lightly kisses me on the lips. I try to catch my breath as I almost melt out of my seat. And then suddenly the plane gives a rough jolt that throws me forward sending my stomach into my throat and my heart into afib.  

I wake up.

There is nobody sitting next to me. The flight attendant is telling everyone to remain seated as we coast to a stop and that we may now use our cell phones. Thank you for flying Southwest and welcome to Chicago.

It was all dream 

OK Cupid

The other night, over fried chicken and watermelon (j/k we were totally eating fois gras) one of my close friends and I were discussing this guy Blake that she had went out with on a couple of dates. They had met on an online dating site. He was really cute and very nice, but he was dumb as rocks. She just could not continue to see him.

Honestly I don't really see much of a problem with dating a dumb dude as long as they are cute. For example take Derrick Rose. Have you ever heard him speak? In most of his commercials his lines are kept to a minimum and I'm sure that's for the viewers benefit. He sounds slow. Not mentally handicapped slow, but simple multiplication slow.

I'm not a dating elitist. I don't think you need a Masters Degree, Nobel peace prize and a Grammy award to be datable. Of course it doesn't hurt that D. Rose is worth millions. But if you can't hold an intellectually stimulating conversation just be handsome and mysterious. It's sexy.

Basically my friend told me that I don't know what it's like out there in the dating world. Apparently its really hard to find someone. Maybe she has a point. I did get rejected by that cashier at Marshalls.

I'm not lucky enough (or unlucky if you're one of those glass half empty people) to have fallen in love and married my high school sweetheart. I didn't even have a high school sweetheart. The guy I went to the prom with ended up being bisexual (aka homosexual). Plus, once you leave school it's really hard to meet someone.

After college I had a period of 'dating myself time'. Basically nobody at work was suitable to date (read: attractive, funny or single) and I started to panic. Where am I going to meet someone?

*UN-DATABLES
T-pain might have been in love with a stripper, but personally I don't date guys I meet at clubs or public service workers which include:

Police Officers - They all look the same and have that "po'po look". Plus I don't need anyone judging me for wearing a shirt once and then returning it back to the store. That is semi-legal.

Military - No offense but they seem a little brainwashed. You have to be conditioned to make it in the military and all that discipline would drive me nuts.

Fireman - They are nice to look at, but I don't touch. Basically I don't want my boyfriend's face to get burned off. Is that selfish? I don't think so.

And I would rather not date actors. You never really know what you are getting with them. Are they really into me or are they just doing research for a part where a ~fill in the blank~ Bank Robber/Ex Convict/White guy dates a black girl? Most of the guys I've met that are in the acting business are either self centered, fake or insecure, if not all 3. The combination of auditioning, rejection and sometimes unwarranted praise can F a person up. Of course my aversion to dating people in these professions can go out the window if you have a nice smile and even nicer biceps.

On the other hand I love creative types. If you can play a guitar (especially with your toes), build a PC from scratch or take amazing photos, I just might fall in love with you. Extra points if you're into video production and/or you smell good.

So after much deliberation my friend and I decided that I would conduct a little experiment. I would set up a profile online and see how easy (or hard) it is to find a normal, datable person.

My Goals
1. Set up an online dating profile Check!
2. Find a friend
3. Find a pen pal
4. Find a date

Please let me in on any advice, do's/don'ts, precautions to take etc. Do you have any interesting/funny/horrific/inspiring online dating stories? In the mean time, Wish me luck!

*And before anyone gets upset, I respect all of the aforementioned professions and know people/have friends who have made a career out of them.There is nothing wrong with their line of work and I'm not saying I wouldn't consider dating someone that pays their bills through those means. Through my own personal experiences I've found that people in those positions are not preferable to me. But to each their own.