OK Cupid

The other night, over fried chicken and watermelon (j/k we were totally eating fois gras) one of my close friends and I were discussing this guy Blake that she had went out with on a couple of dates. They had met on an online dating site. He was really cute and very nice, but he was dumb as rocks. She just could not continue to see him.

Honestly I don't really see much of a problem with dating a dumb dude as long as they are cute. For example take Derrick Rose. Have you ever heard him speak? In most of his commercials his lines are kept to a minimum and I'm sure that's for the viewers benefit. He sounds slow. Not mentally handicapped slow, but simple multiplication slow.

I'm not a dating elitist. I don't think you need a Masters Degree, Nobel peace prize and a Grammy award to be datable. Of course it doesn't hurt that D. Rose is worth millions. But if you can't hold an intellectually stimulating conversation just be handsome and mysterious. It's sexy.

Basically my friend told me that I don't know what it's like out there in the dating world. Apparently its really hard to find someone. Maybe she has a point. I did get rejected by that cashier at Marshalls.

I'm not lucky enough (or unlucky if you're one of those glass half empty people) to have fallen in love and married my high school sweetheart. I didn't even have a high school sweetheart. The guy I went to the prom with ended up being bisexual (aka homosexual). Plus, once you leave school it's really hard to meet someone.

After college I had a period of 'dating myself time'. Basically nobody at work was suitable to date (read: attractive, funny or single) and I started to panic. Where am I going to meet someone?

*UN-DATABLES
T-pain might have been in love with a stripper, but personally I don't date guys I meet at clubs or public service workers which include:

Police Officers - They all look the same and have that "po'po look". Plus I don't need anyone judging me for wearing a shirt once and then returning it back to the store. That is semi-legal.

Military - No offense but they seem a little brainwashed. You have to be conditioned to make it in the military and all that discipline would drive me nuts.

Fireman - They are nice to look at, but I don't touch. Basically I don't want my boyfriend's face to get burned off. Is that selfish? I don't think so.

And I would rather not date actors. You never really know what you are getting with them. Are they really into me or are they just doing research for a part where a ~fill in the blank~ Bank Robber/Ex Convict/White guy dates a black girl? Most of the guys I've met that are in the acting business are either self centered, fake or insecure, if not all 3. The combination of auditioning, rejection and sometimes unwarranted praise can F a person up. Of course my aversion to dating people in these professions can go out the window if you have a nice smile and even nicer biceps.

On the other hand I love creative types. If you can play a guitar (especially with your toes), build a PC from scratch or take amazing photos, I just might fall in love with you. Extra points if you're into video production and/or you smell good.

So after much deliberation my friend and I decided that I would conduct a little experiment. I would set up a profile online and see how easy (or hard) it is to find a normal, datable person.

My Goals
1. Set up an online dating profile Check!
2. Find a friend
3. Find a pen pal
4. Find a date

Please let me in on any advice, do's/don'ts, precautions to take etc. Do you have any interesting/funny/horrific/inspiring online dating stories? In the mean time, Wish me luck!

*And before anyone gets upset, I respect all of the aforementioned professions and know people/have friends who have made a career out of them.There is nothing wrong with their line of work and I'm not saying I wouldn't consider dating someone that pays their bills through those means. Through my own personal experiences I've found that people in those positions are not preferable to me. But to each their own.

Hide your kids, Hide your wife

What would you do if you woke up in the middle of the night and there were two robbers in your apartment?

1. Hide
2. Confront/Fight Robbers
3. Yell for Help

I think most women would hide, most men would also hide and some brave reckless douche-bags would confront the thieves. I really have no idea what I would do. Probably have a heart attack from the fear of being killed and then die in the bed. One less thing the robbers have to worry about.

My friend Mario told me that after coming home late at night and being held at gunpoint twice, he will never give up his wallet to muggers in the future.

I know what you’re saying, “Held up at gunpoint twice? Dang hommie!” But he lives in Englewood: home of Jennifer Hudson, Derrick Rose and the 47 shootings you saw reported on the evening news last night. It’s the most dangerous neighborhood in Chicago so going to the grocery store at 10 in the morning is the wrong place, wrong time. And not to question his manhood but he’s like 5’7, 140lbs. so there are probably more than a few thugs that think they can take him.

His argument was that most guys in the hood are not expert marksmen. If you zigzag, duck and roll you can dodge their bullets. 

Ummm, good luck with that. Afterwards maybe you can audition for the UniverSOUL circus too.

Then he said, “And don’t come at me with a knife.”

Well I would prefer to sit down and talk things out rationally too, but that’s not always an option. Unless you can go all Ryu on their ass and do some flying bicycle kicks, I say let them take what they want.

Ryu from Street Fighter

I started wondering if I should I take self-defense classes and would they really be useful in this situation? Maybe, but I think ninja stars would come in more handy or at the very least some pepper spray. This is why I can’t watch movies like Taken before I go to sleep at night.

It’s always good to be prepared but I probably don’t have to worry much about robberies. I’m basing this on two facts:

1. I don’t keep my blinds open at night, so people can’t see what I have and where it is. Why do people do that? You can literally drive by some people’s houses and make a diorama of their home.
2. I live on the third floor and the college girls that live on the basement level are probably going to get “got” before I do.

If you’re going to rob me you better be in pretty good shape because carrying a TV down 3 flights of stairs is no joke. And for your sake you’re going to want to be able to repel off a building or possibly have Spiderman web shooting powers. Next time I move, I’m going to hire movers with these capabilities for sure.

I did see an article from The University of Louisville’s Department of Safety (a highly respected source no doubt) on What NOT To Do During A Robbery that said:

Don’t chase or follow the robber. You could be mistaken for the robber in a pursuit by police.

And I agree, mainly because I’m black. Take from that what you will.

But God forbid I did get robbed. I would want the thieves to take whatever they wanted - just not my cell phone or my virginity. That 2008 edition MacBook? It doesn’t go into sleep mode when you close it but be my guest. The PS3? Sometimes the game freezes and you have to start the whole thing over again, but sure. My teapot collection? Not interested? Fair enough.

Obviously I have thought about keeping a butterfly knife handy in case I need to stab an intruder and then scream for help but I paid good money for this rug in Korea-town and I don’t want any bloodstains on it. And I don’t have a gun but in Illinois you can shoot an intruder and not get sued for it. That’s a step up from Florida where if you shoot and kill a crook they give you free coupons for pizza hut. Gross.

Hot dog stuffed crust Pizza Hut pizza. Only in America, home of the brave

I should probably be more worried about apartment fires since I have bad short-term memory and I like to light candles for ambiance. All viable reason's to get renter's insurance.