You're Doing Too Much

Today I'm a hater. I am standing in front of my Chicago apartment because it's finally over 60 degrees outside, drinking a 40oz of haterade and pouring one out for my homies that have had enough of social media wedding awareness or SMWA. But first, I'm going to share a secret with you.

I am clairvoyant

I don't normally talk about my super powers but since we're friends, I am opening up to you. One night a few years ago, I had a dream that I was attending the wedding of one of my Ex boyfriends. And this wasn't any old, we made out at a party, dated for a month and then broke up after he banged my suite mate type of relationship. Which actually happened to me btw. This guy was the one that got away.

Haterade

In the dream, before his wedding started, he swept me up in his strong tuxedo'd arms and confessed his love for me. He told me that I had been the one all along and that he was marrying the wrong girl. Then he gave me a long, hard ...ahem... kiss, and I woke up abruptly. I tried to shrug it off and got ready for work that morning like normal but the dream kept bothering me. As I commuted to work my curiosity won out and I looked him up on Facebook. Low and behold he had just gotten engaged. My heart fell and then I threw up on the lady sitting next to me on the train.

That was the moment my aversion to SMWA was born. I guess I could pinpoint the moment even further. It was actually when I saw the pictures of him and his wife-to-be dressed in their Sunday's finest. They were holding hands and staring lovingly into each others eyes on a fucking golf course. Dude doesn't even play golf! 

Because my fiance and I always leave the club and not only walk through, but scream at the drive through window.

I abso-freaking-lutely hate engagement photo shoots. Like I don't know about you, but I can't recall ever having put on a David's Bridal ball gown, waltzing through the forest at sunset and cradling my boyfriend's head in my lap. WTF? I'm not a Twilight cast member. Engagement photo shoots are the cheesiest thing ever.

WTF?

This one couple I know actually made a freaking engagement movie. Like for real, not for play-play. I actually think it could have been a cute way to show people how they met, but they made a gross production out of it. Set in the 1920's, filmed in black in white with ridiculous props and corny music. Neither one of them are up and coming film makers, struggling actors or prolific documentary screenwriters. So why all the fuss? The acting was not even good. I could have watched a rerun of Sex in the City and been happier.

And I get it. If you love someone you should celebrate that love. Its okay to want the world to know. Beyoncé is always screaming her love from the mountain tops for her husband Joe Camel. Just to set the record straight, I'm not hating because I am a bitter soon to be spinster with no prospects on the horizon. I gets mine. I just think people go over board.

I mean if you're lucky enough to have Facebook friends who don't solely exist to play Dungeons and Dragons, then about the time you reach your mid to late 20's, a lot of your friends are getting married and pooping out babies. That was not a typo.

My newsfeed gets cluttered up with photos of my friends counting the days until their upcoming nuptials and I'm over the moon happy for them! I believe in love and marriage and if we're not coworkers or frenemies, chances are that I want you to be happy. But lawd some people are doing the most!

*Only 78 days, 3 hours and 42 minutes left until we tie the knot!

*Can't wait to see my girl walk down the aisle! Here she comes now! *selfie posted to Facebook from the wedding ceremony with Fiance approaching the alter in the background*

*I love my fiancé so much that my heart of going to explode and then his is going to explode too so we've just bought our side by side cemetery plots y'all!

*We've been married 10 minutes and I can't wait for the next 10! Love you boo!

Am I the only one who feels like you don't have to bombard the internet with your over the top proclamations of undying love? Who are you trying to prove your adoration to exactly? I'll always hit the like button when I see something thoughtful and sweet one of my friends has done for their loved one. 

An actual Facebook Friend of mine. On their way home from work,  her Husband got her a Frosty and she got him a McFlurry, not knowing that that the other had already gotten them an after work dessert. How sweet right? Notice that I LIKED the status!

But these framed certificates of congratulations from Obama on your wedding union is a bit much.

You're telling me that President Barack Obama took time out of coordinating drone attacks to congratulate you on your wedding? Get dafuq outta here with that.

I'm not going to delete you because you're showing love for your significant other. But you people that take it too far and have subsequently made me vomit in my mouth a little bit, I'm going to have to unfollow your posts. Btw, congratulations on your engagement.

Cute idea but I can print this out from my home computer too, so stop acting like you're special. You don't know Barack and you don't know Michelle.

Photos are not own:

Totallylookslike.com

True Photography Weddings

Why I hate public bathrooms

For years I've been doing the Chun Li move when it comes to flushing the toilet seat handle so believe me when I say that it's nice to not have to touch anything in a public bathroom.  

#ThroughChristAllThingsArePossible

I know that America major American cities are getting on board with being less wasteful and saving the planet by banning plastic bags and I think its great. But the one thing we can not afford to skimp on is hand soap. These automatic hand soap machines are stingier than a Haitian refugee with a chicken wing. I mean they honestly give you enough soap to kill like 3 bacterium. So when you see me at the sink, flicking my hands back and forth, please know that I'm not pretending that I've got 2 turn tables and a microphone. I'm just trying to get some more dang soap.

I also dont like to be f'ed with unless I'll get the possibility of a new job or a free meal out of it. So obviously I hate it when the sensor won't pick up my movement and turn the water faucet on. Nobody wants to see me twerk in front of the sink just to be able wash my hands.

And nobody wants to spend a lot of unnecessary time in a public bathroom, afterall I'm not George Michael. 

But Some things should not be rushed! 

Most often the automatic flusher usually flushes before you're finished with your business. It defeats the purpose of being an automatic flusher if:

1. I have to squeeze my bladder muscles as hard as I can in order to pee in 3.5 seconds

2. I have 2.4 seconds left to thoroughly wipe and throw the tissue paper away in time for it to fully be sucked down the drain

3. I end up having to Manually push the button to flush it again anyway!

And since they're making everything automatic anyway, how about standard automatic plastic seat covers in public bathrooms. They have them at Chicago's O'hare airport and have changed my life!

Normally I'm squatting low enough to the toilet seat to avoid splash back and simultaneously get in my crossfit WOD. I basically do this maneuver so that my butt doesn't touch the seat because I don't go bareback, nor do I trust those paper toilet seat covers. Like if thats all that stands between me and crabs or trichinosis of the booty hole then I'll get my weight lifting in by hovering over the porcelain bowl thank you.

And a little privacy would be nice. Would it be too much to ask for bathroom door manufacturers to make door hinges more flush? See what I did there? If I can see you walk by from the inside of the stall, then I know you can see me getting my potty cardio on when you walk by as well.

As a bathroom courtesy I must ask moms to cut the umbilical cord: If I see another mother bring a grown ass 13 year old bat mitzvah'ed man into the ladies restroom I'm going to say something. If your son is old enough to tie his own shoes, there's a good chance he's old enough to use the men's bathroom alone.

All automatic everything is a double edged sword. While writing this I realized waving my hands in front of the hand activated sensors could possibly cause a hand tumor 30 years from now. Finger foods are awesome. 

I NEED MY HANDS!

Don't blame me for my slightly irrational fear of cancer, blame the Susan B. Coleman foundation and all the pink merchandise for sale in October. Let's write a letter to our congressman or have a kid hold up a piece of cardboard with an ill written message on Facebook to get some scientific studies on hand sensors up and going.

The Strip Club

So lately my next-door neighbor Amanda and I have been spending more and more time together. Just to be clear, not in the Justin Bieber short haircut having Subaru Outback owner way, but more like the eating homemade Rice Krispie treats during a friendly yet charged game of  “Catch Phrases” type of way.

One day after an early morning calorie busting zumba class at our gym (By the way, I sweat like a Black athlete with a pending rape charge), Amanda suggested we go to the spa. She told me how relaxing and calming the whole experience can be. According to her you basically sit around in saunas, receiving top quality beauty treatments from little Asian ladies, while you chat away with your friends and luxuriate in all your middle to upper classiness. Plus one of her friends had an expiring Groupon that I could use and there's a café inside the spa. Bougie-ness at a discount AND snacks?

Sign me up!

King Spa and Sauna in Niles, IL

Now I know I masquerade as being an HCB (High Class Bi-otch) but I’m going to let you in on a little secret: I’ve never been to a spa before. I’ve only seen them in magazines like Vogue (with countless other excursions I can’t afford) and on TV shows like Sex and the City. Remember that one episode where Samantha gets banned from the day spa after asking her masseuse to go down on her and when he refuses she grabs his junk? 

Well this was my chance!

In preparation for the event, as per Amanda’s instructions, I took a shower at home and scrubbed the epi right off my dermis. How embarrassingly gross would it be to get in the wet sauna and leave a pile dead skin floating behind you Pig Pen style? To prove I was fully committed to this outing and as not scare or offend anyone, I also shaved my legs, which I am pretty much against doing in the wintertime. Not only does the extra fur keep you warm by providing a much needed layer between your long johns and your legs but I like to set new records for myself, each spring tallying up the inches of matted leg hair to see if I beat last year’s record. Just kidding.

A little...

After showering at home, I dressed in a warm, yet cute ensemble and headed to King Spa and Sauna where Amanda met me in the lobby. When I arrived I got a bracelet with a key and plastic medallion attached to it.

The number on the medallion is your account number for when you buy anything inside. ie. A beauty treatment, some food, a happy ending (just kidding) etc. It also serves as your locker number. You get two lockers, one for your shoes and one for all your other belongings. Next you pick out your pajamas, the choices being either small/medium PJ's in pink or X-Large PJ's in gray. I guess if you’re not small or medium then you’re punished by having to dress like an elephant.

Everyone Else

Small and Medium Dainty People

After pajama selection, the men go in on the right, the women on the left. When you enter the hallway you're greeted with a "Please take off your shoes sign" where you lock your shoes in your designated cubby.

The Korean part is translated as, "or ninjas will cut off your feet"

Next stop: FULL FRONTAL NUDITY-VILLE aka the locker room.  Luckily for me, I grew up attending afterschool programs and summer day camps at the YMCA. The YMCA being notorious for locker rooms full of smooth bottomed kids loosely chaperoned by their parents and old, wrinkly ladies with their nipples dragging on the floor who trade recipes in the showers. My childhood had prepared me for this moment. Thanks Mom.

Even still, seeing naked women (which doesn’t bother me) and actually getting naked in front of them are two different things. I’ve always been a pretty modest person. When I graduated from undershirts to training bras in the 6^th grade my mom and aunt enthusiastically sat on the edge of my parent’s bed and giddily urged me to strut my new itchy lacy, flower-patterned garments for them. I guess in their minds it was a coming of age fashion show type celebration of me turning into a lady (like I had previously been a pickle or some other non exciting thing). Of course I refused. 

Monsters.

It doesn’t help matters when you have a WebMD diagnosed body growth that you’re not used to other people seeing. I have a childhood scar on my shoulder from a car accident and a hole in my back (we won't even go there but it's healed up nicely) that I really don't want to discuss with the masseuse. Also everyone's adaption time to nakedness is different but honestly you better get over the nudity thing quickly because you only get two hand towels. One to wrap on your head like Princess Leia and the other to dry off with. Neither one is big enough to wrap around yourself unless you're Nicole Richie. 

They teach your how to roll up your towel to make the Princess Leia buns!

Inside the wet sauna room there a line of showers (no curtains) and  4 jacuzzi pools. 3 are hot and you are supposed sit in them in order of increasing temperature. The 3rd hot jacuzzi was so hot that I started fanning myself which caused this middle aged Korean lady next to me to slap me on the shoulder and cackle, "the heat good for you!" The 4th and final jacuzzi is purposely freezing cold. I think I felt my ovaries shrink when I got inside of it.

Next you get inside the steam room where the air is thick with moisture and the smell of aromatherapy eucalyptus oil. It was so steamed up in there I couldn't see anything on anyone from the knees down and my subtle curly hairdo immediately turned into a Diana Ross afro. Afterward you take another shower to wash off the dead skin and then you go get in your PJs.

Gold Room which is situated off the common room

Inside the common area there a multiple hot rooms each one with certain attributes that are supposed to make you feel different through special ions or something. My favorites were the amethyst and gold rooms because they were pretty. There is also a cafe with yummy high priced korean foods like bulgogi and jap chae. We all shared an amazing dessert of red beans and fruit over shaved ice and I had a pumpkin smoothie. 

Upstairs there are sleeping and meditation rooms with huge leather Lazyboy recliners that even elephants can fit in. There is also a bunch of other cool stuff like a "sweat chair" that looks sort of like Professor X's wheel chair (from X-men). Ot's supposed to make you lose water weight. They even have a movie theater room with showings every few hours. The Pursuit of Happiness, Harry Potter and Speed (I think they save that one for last when they want people to leave for the night) were on the schedule for that day.  

It looks suspect, but it was actually really good! Enough for 4 people to share.

We stayed at the spa for 6 hours and I didn't even notice the time fly by. Completely the opposite of My Day In Prison! I meditated in the amethyst room, took a nap in the quiet room, made friends with a nice black lady around my mom's age while I was in the hot jacuzzi and accidentally rubbed naked bodies with Amanda in the steam room. To answer your questions before you ask them:

1. Yes it is weird hanging out with random naked women and even more so your neighbor.

2. Does Amanda have nice boobs? Nicer than I imagined. 

3. Will I go to the spa again? Most definitely and you can go too! Right now, for the next couple of days LivingSocial is having a deal on the King Spa! Check it out HERE! You too can experience exotic foods and mingling with random naked people (but not simultaneously, thats gross).