Hide your kids, Hide your wife

What would you do if you woke up in the middle of the night and there were two robbers in your apartment?

1. Hide
2. Confront/Fight Robbers
3. Yell for Help

I think most women would hide, most men would also hide and some brave reckless douche-bags would confront the thieves. I really have no idea what I would do. Probably have a heart attack from the fear of being killed and then die in the bed. One less thing the robbers have to worry about.

My friend Mario told me that after coming home late at night and being held at gunpoint twice, he will never give up his wallet to muggers in the future.

I know what you’re saying, “Held up at gunpoint twice? Dang hommie!” But he lives in Englewood: home of Jennifer Hudson, Derrick Rose and the 47 shootings you saw reported on the evening news last night. It’s the most dangerous neighborhood in Chicago so going to the grocery store at 10 in the morning is the wrong place, wrong time. And not to question his manhood but he’s like 5’7, 140lbs. so there are probably more than a few thugs that think they can take him.

His argument was that most guys in the hood are not expert marksmen. If you zigzag, duck and roll you can dodge their bullets. 

Ummm, good luck with that. Afterwards maybe you can audition for the UniverSOUL circus too.

Then he said, “And don’t come at me with a knife.”

Well I would prefer to sit down and talk things out rationally too, but that’s not always an option. Unless you can go all Ryu on their ass and do some flying bicycle kicks, I say let them take what they want.

Ryu from Street Fighter

I started wondering if I should I take self-defense classes and would they really be useful in this situation? Maybe, but I think ninja stars would come in more handy or at the very least some pepper spray. This is why I can’t watch movies like Taken before I go to sleep at night.

It’s always good to be prepared but I probably don’t have to worry much about robberies. I’m basing this on two facts:

1. I don’t keep my blinds open at night, so people can’t see what I have and where it is. Why do people do that? You can literally drive by some people’s houses and make a diorama of their home.
2. I live on the third floor and the college girls that live on the basement level are probably going to get “got” before I do.

If you’re going to rob me you better be in pretty good shape because carrying a TV down 3 flights of stairs is no joke. And for your sake you’re going to want to be able to repel off a building or possibly have Spiderman web shooting powers. Next time I move, I’m going to hire movers with these capabilities for sure.

I did see an article from The University of Louisville’s Department of Safety (a highly respected source no doubt) on What NOT To Do During A Robbery that said:

Don’t chase or follow the robber. You could be mistaken for the robber in a pursuit by police.

And I agree, mainly because I’m black. Take from that what you will.

But God forbid I did get robbed. I would want the thieves to take whatever they wanted - just not my cell phone or my virginity. That 2008 edition MacBook? It doesn’t go into sleep mode when you close it but be my guest. The PS3? Sometimes the game freezes and you have to start the whole thing over again, but sure. My teapot collection? Not interested? Fair enough.

Obviously I have thought about keeping a butterfly knife handy in case I need to stab an intruder and then scream for help but I paid good money for this rug in Korea-town and I don’t want any bloodstains on it. And I don’t have a gun but in Illinois you can shoot an intruder and not get sued for it. That’s a step up from Florida where if you shoot and kill a crook they give you free coupons for pizza hut. Gross.

Hot dog stuffed crust Pizza Hut pizza. Only in America, home of the brave

I should probably be more worried about apartment fires since I have bad short-term memory and I like to light candles for ambiance. All viable reason's to get renter's insurance.

Birth Control and Viagra

My mom told me that my personality hasn’t really changed much since I was little. My brother wasn’t born until I was 9 and there weren’t many kids in my neighborhood so I had to keep myself entertained.

I would happily doodle in coloring books, religiously watch Ghostwriter and when I was an infant I would chew the nipples off all of my baby bottles. To this day, I still like to chew on things. Pen caps, straws, those little t-shaped plastic pieces that attach the price tag to your clothes. I’m basically the same person I was at 2 years old, except with boobies.

According to my mom I would always sit back and scope people out before I would decide if I wanted to be bothered with them or not. She didn’t have to worry about me talking to random people in the grocery store or taking candy from strangers. She probably worried more about baby bottle plastic poisoning since I clearly had an addiction.

Pumping gas on a family trip circa '89. Pretty sure this was illegal

Fast forward 20 years and I’m not as wary of strangers anymore. Mostly because I work in an industry where I talk to people I don’t know for a living. I occasionally emcee events, do live cooking shows with chefs and demonstrations for hundreds of people at state fairs. I once told a man at the airport that I hoped I wasn’t being inappropriate but he had some gorgeously muscular calves.

And while I still can’t bring myself to sing karaoke in front of a room full of strangers, I’m always the one nominated by friends to ask people for directions.

But alas the stranger danger I’m talking about in this post is state legislation. I like to keep my blog topics light but its pretty worrisome that a lot people have no idea what their state laws are and many can’t even name their own governor.

A woman I know regularly posts celebrity gossip and entertainment news on FaceBook. Based on one of her status updates I asked her about her feelings on religious propaganda in the media and she had no intelligent response. She actually told me that politics are boring and she just reads the comment sections of yahoo news sites and bases who she votes for on the responses. 

What the what?

Fair enough you may not be aware of every breaking news story. I’m no political scholar myself, but I do try to keep up with the laws of land. At the very least I like to watch CNN for Anderson Cooper’s silver fox good looks.

Maybe we only care about things that we think affect us?

Well just because it doesn't affect you, doesn't mean that it doesn't affect someone that you know. Did you know that in Illinois, based on their religious views, a pharmacist can deny Plan B (the morning after pill) to a patient? Or that doctors can make women look at an ultrasound of their womb before getting an abortion?

Would it be fair to make a guy that wanted a prescription for Viagra get a colonoscopy first? I should take a poll (no pun intended). And I would never want a friend (or an enemy) of mine to be unable to get birth control because someone who passively read a Yahoo forum voted against it.

Look, I totally understand. What Kimye is naming their baby is super important. But it's equally important that we educate ourselves and a bit selfish not to. Maybe you don't know anyone that needs viagra, but secretly, maybe your dad does. And do you really want the government controlling his erections?!